I woke up this morning, and wondered if yesterday had all been some sickening nightmare, that I had fallen asleep with the TV showing some Hollywood disaster and the details had just seeped into my subconcious. Yet when I went downstairs for a cup of coffee, I saw the pictures all over again. Is it just me or does it still seem so eerily unreal? It is like the whole world has been watching a State sponsored Hollywood blockbuster. But it's not. And everytime I see and hear more, I can't stop shaking. Yesterday I watched the pictures on the news over and over...and I still can't believe such malice exists in the world. I first found out at work, and the whole factory and office stopped and crowded around a TV to watch fire and devastation. Sickened, I went outside for a cigarette. Halfway through one of my colleagues told me the second tower had collapsed and before they were showing pictures of people jumping to their death. All day I physically shook and felt sick. That was only from looking at the pictures. God only knows the emotions that the relatives of the dead are feeling at the moment. I come from an American family, although I live in Manchester and have lived in England for most of my life. I myself have dual nationality. My mother is American. I have a large family who are spread out across America. We've been trying to phone America now for over 24 hours. As far as I know, none of them are in New York, but it's mainly for our peace of mind. This is the first time that I have felt myself to be truly American....I apologise if that sounds strange, but I see holes ripped in masonry and office paper falling like black confetti for the dead and just want to rush to America and protect those I love. I want to fall at the feet of the Government of both countries and beg them not to be too hasty, because I am so scared for those that I love. I am sickened. I am angry. I am absolutely petrified. But I do not want War. Saying this, I do believe in retaliation against those who committed this act. But violence breeds violence. And fingers being pointed before the culprits come forward is never the way to solve these problems. I would like to think that the people who committed and induced this act will recieve punishment of the eternal kind. I am not religious. But this morning I lit candles in my local Cathedral for the dead on my way to work. My thoughts are with those on this list who have lost people. I hope you find solace in whatever way you can. Music always helps for me. Someone talked about listening to Godspeedyoublackemperor! throughout this. I know I have been. "The dead flag blues" fits the apocalyptic scenes so well. I apologise if this is clumsy. I am still in shock and more numb than I ever thought possible. I just hope that no one is going through this alone. Our world has changed and grown scarier and colder. Lets just hope that we don't become too hardened by it all. Cay xXx +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+