Hello again Hey, you know how on New Year's Day 2000 domestic appliances are going to go nuts, and the simple act of switching on your toaster is going to vaporise a city in North Korea? Well things have started going screwy already. The other day I set my video to record "Fort Boyard", channel 5's exciting new action quiz show featuring Melinda Messenger and Dirty Den. However, for some scary technological reason, the video now thinks it is the year 2020. Imagine my surprise when I played back the tape and found the following... Voiceover: And now on BBC52: Rock Family Twee. This week John Peel investigates the turn-of-the-century Glasgow indie-pop scene... John Peel (evidently speaking through some kind of Stephen Hawking speech-sythesizer thingy as he must be about 100 by now): Of all the bands who set the world alight at the end of the twentieth century, perhaps the most curious were those jingle-jangle troubadors known as Belle and Sebastian. With their winsome strumming and ambisexual lyricism they were truly a shambling conundrum, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in mystery. Poised on the brink of global success , they decided to release their potential crossover single "Jenny is a Sad Librarian" as a seventy-three track gramophone cylinder, available only in Surinam, and promoted it with a twelve minute gig onboard a ferry bound for Dunoon. As their fanbase finally lost patience and converted en masse to a shadowy cult lead by Stephen Pastel, the members of B&S scattered to the far corners of the world. But where are they now....? <<Woozy wobbly screen effect>> (A man decked out in Armani and expensive sunglasses sits behind a vast desk in an executive office. Every five minutes he goes to the bathroom and returns, sniffing suspiciously. It is Stuart David. He has cultivated a mid-Atlantic drawl). Listen, you better make this quick, I've gotta sort out a deal with some shmucks from McDonalds who wanna do some kind of merchandising deal to tie-in with the new movie. Belle and Sebastian? Leaving them was the smartest move I ever made. What a bunch of losers. Of course, I don't say no when the guy arrives with the royalty cheques, but _really_. Selling lies to the boys with the old dansettes? Spot on. At one point I wrote the cruddiest song I could imagine - Paper Boat - and they _still_ bought it. That paid for my first Limo... I've got 20 of them now. After the band split I started up Treehouse Studios, and we knocked out Gregory's Girl II: This Time it's Personal. It broke all box-office records in twenty states. As you know, it's turned into quite a profitable little franchise... we're currently in production on the next sequel: Gregory's Girl VII: The Nightmare Continues, in which Clare Grogan comes back from the grave to wreak revenge on Gregory who decided he liked the footballing chick more after all. We got a script by that guy who did Scream 13... we're, like, putting all those horror cliches in a kinda postmodern context, and with some cute Scottish accents! That's the twist! Sorry, gotta go... time is money, asshole! (Cut to a mystery underground bunker, somewhere in Dumfriesshire. A man is clad in combat fatigues, his face obscured by a tartan bandana. It is Chris Geddes). I am not Chris Geddes! I refuse to accept the name given to me by English oppressors. You may now call me Maccaiighghhhgh X. The Dumfries Resistance Brigade is dedicated to the overthrow of the Sassenach Police State by any means necessary. We only agree to this interview if it is conducted entirely in Gaelic. I deny I was ever part of this Belle and Sebastian you talk of. (Cut to the Gugenheim Museum in Bilbao where Sarah is putting the finishing touches to her latest world-conquering exhibition) Yeah, right, well B&S, yeah it was groovy for a while, I mean I think we really upset some conventions there for a while, some of it was really kind of post-faux-naif, you know, really quite radical in a kind of post-Hirst kinda way. But really, painting was always my first love, darling. I mean, I just like to explore different media, it's essential for my personal, like, growth you know? I'm currently working on these silk screen prints of, like, lost Sarah records bands? Everyone loves it. Have you seen my series of 14 Iced Bears in magenta and green? Keep it quite, but I think the Saatchi's are interested. You gotta go? Right well see you at Pharmacy, darling. Mwah, mwah... (Cut to a taxicab in Leytonstone. Isobel is the driver) If you see that fucker Murdoch you tell him that he still owes me three months worth of maintenance for little Belle and Seb. I'll get the bloody Child Support Agency onto that bastard. Last time the bairns saw their father was 2005... he's poncing around in his funny hats, and I'm working three fucking jobs just to keep the kids in new shoes! (Cut to Glasgow Cathedral. Stuart Murdoch is wearing Bishop's robes) Hello, my son. Well, I don't really like to talk about the old days... It was a youthful indiscretion, shall we say. Archbishop Cliff has been very understanding about the whole thing, he's been very helpful. Yes, even after the ,erm, public lavatory incident. It was all a terrible misunderstanding. Now I'm putting all my energy into serving the Lord. I do bring out the old acoustic guitar for the occasional rousing chorus of Kumbaya, though! Keeps the spirits up, you know! I say, young man, would you care for a chocolate finger? Those are very attractive silver trousers you are wearing, by the way, remind me of a pair I used to have. Do you mind if I stroke them? Ah yes... very nice. Isobel who? (Cut back to John Peel) Unfortunately Stevie , Richard and Mick were unavailable for comment as they were touring Butlins Holiday Camps under the name "Sebastian and Belle" (the name was changed for legal reasons) with Chris Leonard, Elliot from ET and Chloe Sevigny making up the numbers. The highlight of their set is a three-minute Jive Bunny style megamix of all the songs on Tigermilk. Next week: The full torrid story of the Andorran Gloomcore scene. _________________________ Stay pressed, Stevie Trousers xxx +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list please mail "sinister@majordomo.net". To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to "majordomo@majordomo.net". 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