hey everyone. I've just been sitting here with lots of thoughts in my head so thought i'd write them down. ignore all the typos. i'm tired. it's the 14th feb 2002, valentines day. grandmas in hospital at the moment. mum and dad went to see her today and she didn't want any visitors. dad thinks (and i agree) that she wants to go to sleep and wake up in heaven, therefore gets annoyed when she wakes up and is still in hospital. she's like a baby, with her cup always by her side, if not, in her hand. i went to see her day before yesterday. I'm glad i did because she seemed quite content, although she did say she wanted to go to heaven. mum also said that grandma had said she was lookng forward to seeing her wee boy, michael (my brother). and how she can argue with grandad on the way up.. that made her laugh.. lol My poor wee grandma. i just want her to be back to normal. i've always just thought of grandma being there all my life. this obviously isn't to be. mum said tonight that she's going to pass away any day. just really waiting for it now. i look in the fridge and her liver pate, and trifles are there. that makes me smile. i have the flu right now and i feel kinda bad, in comparison to what grandma's going through. you know i missed her at christmas, i'm just glad our family, and me aren't that petty over things like that. she knows i love her, and i know she loves me. what more could i want? christmas is just a day. she's a lovely woman. except when she's nasty.. lol thats down to that thing in her head.. erm.. senaile demenshia, spelt so wrong. they say she takes it out on family first. i feel for mum. it's as if she's trying so hard to get grandma to say something to her, like 'i love you val' but when mum says i love you mum, she just says i love you all. i wish she'd say something for mum. and mum only. she went in on thursday, a week ago today. i was at paul's, then college in the afternoon, i went to get glasses from salmonies and when i got back into the car, dad said ot me, 'you know grandmas in hospital dont you?' i just thought, as did everyone else, that it was just a bug, and she'd get over it. it was an infection, which i think has cleard up but grandmas just ran out of life. i dont like having regrets. i dont belive in them. i think some of my other relatives will have them though, grandma thought the world of them all and she hadn't seen the kids in 3 years. since her 80th birthday party, norma and vic came up for mums 50th though., hey thats something. we've got the video of grandma at the party! thats a funny one. thats got paul in too. like an era in my life. Its scary how much things can change within the space of a week. a few weeks ago i was dodging the house cause grandma was here,. me and paul stayed with each other in dundee, because we wouldn't be able to sleep in the same room if she was here. cause ya know paul sleeps in stevens old room.. *wink wink* but when she got the cold, i didn't mind her being here, i even offered her my telly in her room! i knew something was going ot happen. i remember sitting on her steps outside her house. i couldn't bare it. i thought to myself this was going to be the last time she was in there, with me. i felt something in all the rooms. maybe it was god, watching over her. i'm glad she has faith, something to grasp onto in her time of need. she's more excited to see michael and grandmad than the fear of where she's going., she knows where shes going. to heaven. i feel like going to church and praying for grandma but i'm scared incase all the people come up to me and ask why i'm there. i'll ask paul if he'll go with me on sunday. 'to everything there is a season, a time for purpose under heaven: a time to be born, a time to die... a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance... a time to gain, and a time to lose...' that's my favourite piece of the bible. I'm not really a religious person. i just belive that there's something there, call it anything you want. whatever you belive in, i also think the bible was stories passed down generations and generations, all exaggerated to give the stories more morals and purpose, a sort of guide to life. which is fine, i'm not saying thats bad. i think it's the best thing ever happened to the world. i have a friend that knows what i'm going through, that helps greatly. her gran passed away. it's good to talk to her, not even about our grans, but about concerts, gossip, just to know that life does move on. and athough her gran has gone. she still has love for her. this is the first sort of mourning i'm ever going to have to go through, well apart from my cat fluffy. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. 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