~sign of the times~ so, today i was in the dinnertime line of the cafeteria at work when i noticed a stack of little chocolate mints on sale for 15 cents each. the candy wrappers were white, with the american flag emblazoned on the front. above was a sign saying that procedes from the sales went to some 9/11 relief group of some kind. i purchased 5 for 75 cents, thinking about how i would be sweet and share the milky minty chocolatey goodness with co-workers. as i hopped on the electric cart that i drive around the facilites to head back to my work area (it's like one of those golf carts), i took a closer look at the packaging on my chocolates. "procedes to benefit sodexho employee relief fund". now i'm being told that sodexho had no facilities that were hurt 9/11. ok, so i don't mind giving up some change for another company to be able to help their employees during duress, but don't lie to me. sheesh. could "sodexho employee relief fund" mean that their employee relief fund is giving to 9/11 funds? eghad, don't ask me. i'm so untrustworthy of so many charities anymore. ~virginia plain~ your miss amy had to work all weekend. the bonus: saturdays are time + 1/2 an hour pay. sundays are double time. yow. good thing, i need it! i was beginning to wonder how christmas was going to turn out for my people. so, anyway, there i was, just sittin' on yr car (sorry, i drifted into beth orton lyrics...) anyway. so, there i was, thinking my weekend was ruined. i still planned to go out after my shift saturday night and make the most of it. and, since i don't feel like sharing the evenings events with too many others, i'll share them with you! since the likes of *drama* *emotion* *crushes* & *FEELING* are so well received here. ~dance away~ i run home to primp and (i think) i was delightfully cute and feeling good. a quick listen to "me and the major" and i was on my way. i waltz into the bar and 3 tables full of people are shouting for me, jumping up, grabbing me, spinning me around, kissing me, hugging me, telling me they love me. there was a little "croak me" action on stage, so i did a hesitant rendition of "dancing queen" with my friend christina, only to find out she kept her microphone off the whole time! the farging icehole! how rude. i sounded like snot dripping from a vaporized kleenex too. for shame. ~same old scene~ i'm dancing with boys. one in particular, i've had, "relations" with in the past. i don't know him very well, sadly. and i hate to be in that situation, so i don't usually put myself in it. we had a great talk. talking about the whole do's and don'ts of the one night stand. he's a few years older than i. divorced, with children. and definetely not "my type", but we connect on certain levels. he made me feel really good about myself, in this way i've never experienced before. i felt so uncertain of my judgements and self-esteem after our tryst awhile ago. i analyze too heavily and put too much stress on myself. i mean, come on, we were both consenting, friendly adults who enjoyed eachother for the evening. why did i eat my heart out, at the age of 28 for crying out loud, for the next month?! i dunno. as i get older, i want to feel better about the decisions i make. i rarely do. amy=grey area. i can see every side of every situation, and i more or less dig myself into a big dissing hole every time. no need for that. it's that damn fantasy of finding the sweet sinister-type of boy to whisk me away, and why would i "give into sin" again when something that good could be on the horizon? whatever. but that's not all. ~lets stick together~ ok. here it is. i like girls too. it's not as easy as saying "i am bisexual". it's really not that simple, not that complex either. it all depends on the person. definetely and ultimately. i don't leave my home and drool over every one that walks by (that is, unless it's a really good day, ha). i don't really get attracted to someone until i've gotten to know them a bit. and it's, more often than not, men that i am ultimately interested in. my friend christina has been curious for years, but, alas, she is married. the thing about christina and i is that we are eachother's best friends. i wouldn't say ever, 'cuz i have other chick friends i've been close to for absolute years, but you get the idea. in the here and now, i rely on christina tons, and she, i. i am hoping to move from the area within the year, and this is devastating her. i had an after party after the bar, lots of happy people cavorting through my humble home. christina dragged me into the bathroom, pressed her forehead to mine, and began to ruminate on her love for me, and how if i go it will kill her. i make her small town life better, she says. "i don't know what i'd do without you." her eyes are crying, which makes me bust out. i continue, "christina, you know i'm miserable here, i'm not meeting anyone i can share my life with, my job is unfulfilling, my house is too expensive for my single self, i need to be in a larger city...etc...." feeling sad. i've only felt good about the decision to move until then. she's pressing her forehead back into mine, "amy, i want nothing more than for you to be happy. i want you to go out there and really meet someone. you are so due for love and happiness, amy.... i love you so much..." she kisses me. not a nifty lil' peck on the cheek or lips. she open mouth kisses me. and i am lost in it. ~these foolish things~ it went on for some time. then, foreheads still meeting, we giggle. the rest of the night was stolen kisses. my divorcee' fling even caught us once. oh dear! there was no lost confusion to it. there was no "teasing", there were no sexual expectations. sometimes a love can turn you inside out so deeply that when you find the key to releasing it, you turn it and let it go. that's what these kissings were. simply delightful. sure, waking up sunday i had pings of self-hatred over kissing a married woman! i'm friends with her husband. sometimes, when i get out of work, and christina is still working herself, i stop at her house and visit with her husband, sometimes he visits me. it's a tight unit. so, yeah, it feels bad when i think of him and think of saturday night. but, i don't feel guilty as far as the big aspect of everything goes. it happened between 2 friends who are often lost together. i can't try to justify it. and i'm not going to. it happened. it's not like i stole her, the car, the house and shot him in the gut. he's tough and sincere, he may even understand. but why put him through the knowing if it *might* cause him some undo stress? it's not like it's going to happen again. it was an emotional moment we were lost in. let me not go on about all that. ouch. ~more than this~ that line i wrote, "when you find the key to releasing it, you turn it and let it go" (meaning love). you could liken that to the list crush debate. i'd like to apologize if i offended anyone with what i had to say about that before. it was just the hurt of my past coming back to haunt me (and you). i understand how and why these cross-border, distance and time romances happen. they were the story of my life for awhile there. my first " *serious* " boyfriend was an exchange student. from brazil. that doomed me. it set a pace for the relationships to come. oh, yes, it did. ~pyjamarama~ so, my fierce and independent streak is over again, for now. all of that flirty kissy wispy stuff brought it all back. i want some damn love! *sigh* but, alas, i shall head to bed alone and pet my kitties until sleep takes over (or this damn sinus headache goes away, oooh the pain) ~oh yeah~ so, i hope i haven't been toooo ... confessional style on y'all. i just really needed to sit and write about it all for a bit. unlocking the leftover key, you see. and please excuse the roxy music themes, i've got street life blissfully on random play. sometimes i hate roxy music. not today. at all. caleb ben moore's description of his new haircut and hat reminds me of rik mayall from the young ones! the people's poet! yay! hee ;) there's been some really bootiful posts lately. thank you all. thank you for carson, thank you for poems, thank you for breakfast club inspired meet up descriptions, thank you for bringing belle and sebastian along for your rides. waking up to us is supposed to be out on the 16th, right? chicago meet-up. i'd like to. take me on a rollercoaster, take me for an airplane ride, amy/rachel applejacks (home: dotsandloops@yahoo.com) +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. 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