WOTCHA! What, with Christmas looming and Santa and his wee helpers in full preperation mode, I thought it would be nice if all 819 of us went to a pantomime together. But that's not really a viable option is it though? I mean some of us live in Thailand for goodness sake. So instead, I have written a little pantomime that we can all enjoy together in our collective brain of love. Merry Christmas Everybody, Christopher xxx PANTO ======= CHARACTERS STRUAN MURDOCH : Dorothy ISOBEL : Toto STEPHEN PASTEL : Wicked Witch BRAD : Cowardly Lion SCENE 1: A dreary farmyard in Glasgow. A young girl playing with her little panto dog STRUAN: Ow Toto, you'we so siwwy. I wove you more than anything in the whole wide world. You'we the only one who weally understands me. Toto jumps up and licks Dorothy's face. Dorothy licks back. Toto licks. Dorothy licks it some more. So does Toto. ISOBEL: Woof. STRUAN: Hoho, you're wovely Toto. I wish we could go away somwhere else, where we would belong. Somewhere ovaw the wainbow! <sings #somewhere ovaw the wainbow ...etc> ISOBEL: Woof. STRUAN: Let's wun away, Toto The two tan it off the stage. Stage lights dim. SCENE 2: Out in the country in the middle of nowhere. A derilect AMK van lies rusty and minging. Wind effects signify that it is very very windy indeed. STRUAN: OOOOO! A twister!!! Oh no! Come Toto, let us hide in this disused wed AMK van. ISOBEL: Woof. The two hide in the disused red AMK van. A large cardboard box hits Struan on the head, knocking him out cold. Lights dim. Various windy effects signify the flight of the red AMK van over the rainbow. SCENE 3: Spotlight on Dorothy, center stage STRUAN: Oh Toto, what happened? I feel a wittle quesy. Are you ok my wittle doggie willy wawmar? ISOBEL: Woof. STRUAN: Oh Toto, Something gives me the feeling we're not in Glasgow anymore. Ooooooo! The two get out the van. Lights up. Ooo colourful now we're in Munchkinland. There is a couple of green shoes sticking out under the van. A red puff of smoke appears! POOF!! The wicked witch appears from behind the smoke STEPHEN PASTEL: YA BASTARD! Y'eve had ma sister ya wee jobbie. I'll fucking smash you ma pretty, and your wee dog too! STRUAN: Oooo! The wicked witch disappears in another poof of smoke. STRUAN: Ooo Toto, we'we weally in big twouble now! We've killed a witch and we've annoyed another one. I want to go home and have a wovely cup of tea. A lion jumps out from behind the van. BRAD: RARR MUTHAFUCKA! I KICK YOUR ASS! SACK OF DICK! Straun and Isobel cower BRAD: SHEEIT YOU MUMMA SO FAT! I KICK YOUR ASS! SACK OF DICK! STRUAN: eh,,,eh, sowwy mr lion, i don't think we've met properly BRAD: AN WE AINT GONNA EITHER I'M GONNA EAT YOU UP MUTHAFUCKA DAMN CRAZY FOOL. ISOBEL: Woof. Toto bites the lions tail. BRAD: SHEEEIT, WHATCHA GO AN DO THAT FOR? JESUS H THAT HURT. The lion starts to cry. STRUAN: Aw don't cry lion. You'we nothing but a big coward. You shouldn't buwwy people smaller than you. BRAD: Damn right. I'm sorry dude. I'm just a big coward. <sings "I've I only had the nerve"> The lion starts to cry. Dorothy and Toto give him a cuddle. STRUAN: Let's go home everybody. The wicked witch appears again in a big poof of smoke. STEPHEN PASTEL: And how are you going to manage that ya wee prick. Eh? I'm gonna kill you. The lion pounces and rips her head off, then claws at her chest till her insides are all over the stage. Then he smears the blood all over his torso whilst screaming "HIMLER". STRUAN: Very well done lion. Look, that was weally weally bwave of you. Your not a coward anymore! BRAD: Hey man, neither I am. I'm all better thanks to you Dorothy, and little Toto. Cheers man, I mean it. STRAUN: You'we vewy vewy welcome my bwave fweind. But how will me and Toto get home? The lion pounces and scoffs the pair of them. BRAD: Sack of dick. Curtains down. WAH HAH HAH (like the devil) +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list please mail "sinister@majordomo.net". To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to "majordomo@majordomo.net". For list archives and searching, list rules, FAQ, poor jokes etc, see http://www.majordomo.net/sinister +---+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" +---+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+