[Scene: a television news room, decorated in the usual shades of beige plastic and with vague signs of people running about in the background. Male and female anchormen sit in front of their cameras, ruffling their scripts about in the usual way. Up come the lights, and the music stops.] HIM: Good evening. You're watching the Sinister News Network. I'm Sebastian Chocbunny. HER: And I'm Isobel Fanclub. Here are tonight's headlines. SEBASTIAN: Ken Chu is Sinister's most prolific poster yet again. ISOBEL: Birmingham jokes "not compulsary" say experts. SEBASTIAN: Scottish listee rocks world of philosophy. ISOBEL: Reports from the Sinister Statistical Research Institute suggest that Ken Chu will be the most prolific poster of the month yet again next week, but it will be a close-run contest. Surprise entries in this month's top ten list include such well-known but normally quiet posters as Mandee Wright and Rob Brennan. SEBASTIAN: Experts from the Compulsary Jokes Faculty of Sinister University have announced that it is *no longer* compulsary to make a joke about Birmingham, England, whenever the infamous Vodkabird sends a post to the list. They considered putting jokes about Kirkcaldy on the compulsary list, but could not think of any apart from "Fife -- they're all inbreds, aren't they?" ISOBEL: A well-known listee from West Calder, Scotland, has become the latest star in the world of philosophy. Richard "Quiff" Gillanders has amazed experts with his new book on the life and works of the philosopher de Selby. The book, entitled "That Flann O'Brien Knew What He Was Talking About And No Mistake", will be published on September 31st. SEBASTIAN: Later on in the program, we interview the most popular listee, and ask the question "Picnics: twee, or just an excuse for a piss-up?" First, however, a report from Wisconsin, USA, where Kirsten Kenyon -- the famous Sinister artist, writer, and owner of large-scale garden landscaping company "Kenyon's Canyon's" has been causing a storm. Here's the report. [An attractive young girl -- looking "like a cross between Jennifer Lopez and a Swiss mountain girl" -- stands in the middle of, um, a city or something. An American one. I don't know what America looks like. Make it up for yourself] VOICEOVER: Normally, Milwaukee, Wisconsin is your typical American city. But local girl Kirsten Kenyon is putting it on the map with her posts to the Sinister mailing list. She says: she just doesn't know what the fuss is about. KIRSTEN (for it is she): I just tell people what I've been up to, what I'm thinking, what listees in Wisconsin are doing right now. I mean. I mean, I don't know what they're thinking. I don't think there even *are* any other listees in Wisconsin. INTERVIEWER: But weren't you cited as one of the most popular and touching writers on the list. KIRSTEN: Hee. Um. Well, I dunno about that. I just write whatever I think of. I know some boys in Scotland phoned me up and said they liked my posts, but I didn't think anyone else noticed. VOICEOVER: Well, Miss Kenyon certainly seems to be the girl of the moment here in the Mid-West. Now, back to the studio. [And, back in the studio...] ISOBEL: Thanks, Winona. Winona Azadehdel reporting from Milwaukee there. SEBASTIAN: Sinister Picnics. Are they just a few twee souls meeting for a chat, or is there something more, um, sinister about them? Later tonight, the Sinister News Network will be showing an in-depth, hard-hitting documentary, with our top investigative reporter Wendell Soupbasket trying to get to the bottom of what *really* goes on at these events. ISOBEL: What he found will shock you to your very core. We must warn you that his report involves drink, drugs, nudity and perversion, because then you're more likely to stay up and watch it. Here's a trailer. Warning: some viewers may find these scenes offensive. [A stupid-looking reporter stands in a park, with noone else in sight] REPORTER: In just a few hours, a Sinister Picnic is due to take place at this very location. Exactly what depravity will occur? We at the Sinister News Network want to find out just as much as you [Cut to: lots of drunk-looking people standing around in a pub. Well, one is collapsed on the floor, but the rest are standing.] VOICEOVER (yes, the same one as before): Listees have a reputation for being "twee fuckers", but is this really true? Our sources suggest not... [closeup on a girl in the above crowd of drunk-looking people] GIRL: I'm hard as nails, me. VOICEOVER: And later on, things get even worse... [A city street at night, with a small group of people staggering down it, one of whom looks rather puzzled] [Onscreen caption: "Glasgow"] [pause] [another onscreen caption: "(the posh bit)"] PUZZLED BOY (rather drunk; you can't really see who he is in the dark, but he looks a bit like the famous Ken Chu): WHAT ARE WE DOING? HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET TO GLASGOW? WE CAN'T WALK THERE, IT'S MILES! EQUALLY PUZZLED GIRL: Eh? Ken, what are you talking about? We're *in* Glasgow. VOICEOVER: Clearly, these people are *very* disturbed. Watch "Picnics: The Truth!" tonight for more shocking revelations. Only on the Sinister News Network! [...and back to the studio...] SEBASTIAN (looking grave): Shocking indeed. Later on in the programme, we interview the list's most popular listee. But first, here's a few words from our sponsors. [fade to ad break] [A cheap-looking advert. Lots of static pictures flash up in the background, some of which look surprisingly like the people featured in the "shock! horror! picnics!" documentary] VOICEOVER (a girl again, but with a Scottish accent this time): Do *YOU* want to see pictures of real live listees?! Come to our website, and see photographs taken at the very latest Sinister Picnic held in the list's home country of Scotland! Marvel at images of Alasdair Cook, Belle The Grown-Up Dog, Sweetie, Sunset, Jeremy the Collapsing Australian, Calumn Shearer, the Quiff of the Year, Carey Lander, and the one, only, unforgettable KEN CHU! Yes, people, he really is more than just a myth. This offer is not available in the shops; instead, just go to http://www.btinternet.com/~wpsalt/picnic.html and marvel at the sights you see. Order your reprints now, folks! [and fade up the news bulletin again] SEBASTIAN (to Isobel): ...she found me in the shower with a tin of treacle, I had to say that ... [holds earpiece to ear] what? [looks at camera, then back at script, then back at the camera] Ho ho ho folks, I wonder how they manage to pronounce that "~" symbol so easily. But back to the news. Later in the program, we ask: Life Without Buildings. What would it really be like? ISOBEL: Also, we have another item in our series "No, we don't have any Korn", interviewing the staff of independent record shops around the world. Tonight, we talk to Gavin Dunbar of Avalanche Records in Glasgow. [Video clip. A tall, nice-but-hard-looking bloke with short blonde hair stands behind the counter of a record shop, of the sort found tucked away between the railway station and the back of the shopping centre.] GAVIN (for it is he): I filled that aisle entirely with New Order records, and the other aisle had nothing but Joy Division. Nobody noticed for three days. [...back in the studio...] SEBASTIAN: Looks riveting. Now, SNN's top reporter Oliver Sneezebiscuit recently spent three days with someone who is, according to an official Sinister Towers press release, possibly the most popular listee. ISOBEL: Apart from Princess Honey herself, of course. As you've probably guessed by now, we're talking about no ordinary listee here -- for one thing, she has six nipples! Intrepid Oliver went to the wilds of Dundee to talk to -- I'm sure you know who I mean -- Sinister's very own Belle The Kissing Dog. [Another "top reporter" who looks just like the other one. OK, imagine him looking a bit different if you want, but it's too much effort to be worthwhile, believe me. A lovely-looking dog (for photos, go back and read the AD BREAK) sits at his feet panting] SNEEZEBISCUIT: So, Belle, you're now one of the most well-known and popular subscribers to the list, and you've even been sillustrated twice. What would you say explains your sudden success? BELLE: [pant pant pant pant] SNEEZEBISCUIT: That's a very interesting philosophy on life you have there. Has the list affected that in any way? BELLE: [whine!] SNEEZEBISCUIT: Look, the girl said she'd give you a biscuit when I've finished asking you questions. I've heard that you've been the star of several picnics now. Is it true, though, that you bit someone at your most recent picnic? BELLE: Woof! SNEEZEBISCUIT: Yes, I'm sure she realised that you were only trying to play. You did bite her, though? BELLE: Woof woof! SNEEZEBISCUIT: Whether she was bleeding or not doesn't matter. And I *know* you haven't got rabies. Has your new-found celebrity affected you in any way? BELLE: [pant pant pant] SNEEZEBISCUIT: No, I don't have any crush votes either. BELLE: [pant pant whine pant] SNEEZEBISCUIT: No, I'm not giving you mine. By the way, can you give me your girl's email address? BELLE: Woof woof woof! SNEEZEBISCUIT: There's no need to be like that. She might like me if she got to know me. I think it's time to go back to the studio. SEBASTIAN: Thank you, Oliver. I'm sure we all learnt a lot from that. ISOBEL: Late news coming in: apparently, there are reports of a deranged American woman who has already infiltrated Europe, who is planning a visit to the UK very soon. She answers to the names of Stacey or Dahling, and has an unhealthy obsession with the Pernice Brothers. If you see her, do not approach her: she could be dangerous. We ask all our UK viewers to stay on their guard. SEBASTIAN: Well, that's all we have time for in this news bulletin. Stay tuned to SNN for Sinister News, on the hour, every hour. [Up comes the title music, and the lights go down. The presenters' microphones are still on though. Yes, I *know* it's an old joke] SEBASTIAN: So, are you up for that meal? ISOBEL: I told you. I'm not going out with any men who wear girls' underwear... SEBASTIAN: But... ISOBEL: ... unless they wear a nice skirt to go with it. And shave your legs too, while you're at it. SEBASTIAN: But I *do* shave my... SOUND ENGINEER: Guys! Sound's still on! SEBASTIAN: Oops. (if you're still here, thankyou. Yes, I *know* it was a bit of overkill to write all that silliness just to announce that there are new picnic photos on my website. But there are. And you should go and look at them. That address again: http://www.btinternet.com/~wpsalt/picnic.html) xx gneissy -- http://www.btinternet.com/~wpsalt/ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+