Hello Sinister! I suppose I shall start off by wishing everyone a Merry Christmas, as it is nearly 2 am on Christmas morning as I write this... The cats have had some catnip and the one we call the "fuzzy cootie", Rhonda, has fallen asleep on her back under the area rug, with just a little brown ear and a tuft of beige fur sticking out, I fear that she will be trampled if she stays there much longer. Mr. Andy Warhol is jumping from cushion to cushion and I think getting high is the only way he can deal with the fact that his master is away at her mom's house... *sigh* I didn't drink tonight, but I sort of wish I had. You see, I was at a family gathering at my parents' house for a nice pressie exchange, and I had to be alert in case I needed to make a quick exit. I love christmas, but it puts me on edge. And it demonstrates to me that manic behavior is hereditary. For fuck's sake, I am my mother. The difference is that she refuses to take any sort of "anti-depressant" medication because she is "not depressed." I want to slip some celexa into her nog and see if it makes her chill out a teeny tiny bit. God, I am so happy that I am on medication. (Thanks to lovely Elise for getting me away from the evil zoloft!) Anyway. Medication or no medication, it only takes the edge off. But I am feeling a bit down. I've been thinking a lot about my life and where I am and where I want to go and it just seems so simple sometimes. Like I typed in an address on Mapquest.com (except we all know how accurate THOSE directions tend to be!) I probably have mentioned that a very dear friend of mine recommends that I not think in such extreme black & white terms, and I think he's right, that I will be much happier if I can accept more greys in my life. Here's a grey I'm trying to keep from preceiving as black: my dear friend, probably one of my closest friends, has told me that he can't be. I am left speechless. There is nothing I can say now. I have to accept that. It is very difficult. I always want to make speeches. I had a vision of myself that was actually quie a nice one and I haven't felt that way for a very long time. I saw myself as angelic instead of secluded. I felt like I could touch people with just my purity of intention without having to physically move them. I felt almost lythe and subliminal... quite a contrast to my usual feeling of clumsy and desperate. Can I really move someone to go silent on me out of guilt? Guilt because he didn't want anything... hmmm. Why give it a second thought, I wonder. How did I end up slithering into his psyche like this anyway? I wonder if my feelings of jealousy will go away when I feel good about myself. I'm going to try that out. These days, my jealousy consumes me like a thick cough, a sweet tickle in my lungs that infects me and sends that sick and seething sensation into my bloodstream and I swear I can almost see green pulsating behind the whites of my eyes. And I want to faint out of sheer disgust. In less than a week my list crush Mr. Ben Apps will be here with me. How did that happen? What powers in the universe granted me such influence as to make someone as sweet and adorable as Ben travel so far to spend our holiday together... I will never know. I am just grateful for it. When I think about what a lovely gesture that is, I feel less than slightly mental and less tempermental and more beautiful than anyone could ever imagine me being. That idea, right now, is perhaps the most romantic thing I have ever thought in my entire life. Regardless of what happens, that one concept is perfection to me, and I just wanted to write it down for safe keeping. The cats are napping on beds now, with visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads, I imagine! I'm about to catch the train to sleepytown and hopefully dream of nice settings with lovely people and happy times to come. Those are my favorite dreams... they have a funny way of working themselves into reality. Holiday cheer and love to you all! love, Rachel fruitloop __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Send your FREE holiday greetings online! http://greetings.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+