greetings and salutations... i am bored and it's friday night. so i thought i would post. plus i have some stuff to vent out and no friends near by in the human form. you peoples all get subjected instead. here's my version of storytelling, only it's all nonfiction. and it's a little less awkward and a bit more sad. my grandmother died a year ago last halloween. it was sudden and it was a shock. i had just moved out on my own three days previous. that halloween my roommate took me to downtown san diego so that we could gawk at all the freaks. it was my first celebration of newfound freedom. mikey and i got home and there were five messages from my mom. "sara, are you sitting down?" "no. what are you talking about?" "your grandma kojaku died today." i don't really remember much after that. there was the viewing, the funeral, the reception. since i was the oldest of all the grandchildren, i had to be the strong one, the one to greet most of the other funeral goers on behalf of the grandchildren. blah blah blah. about a few months later, it was diagnosed that my grandfather had dementia. well, alzheimer's to be exact. i was in san diego and he was in l.a. i had two jobs and an old volvo who didn't like the freeway. i couldn't really visit him and i got shit from my parent's all the time. then after a year in san diego, i decided to move to l.a. and take care of grandpa. he was getting worser by the day, and my uncle didn't want to deal with it anymore. i moved in with my other grandparents and would go over there twice a day. everything was going okay. he seemed to be doing okay. not really getting better, as there is no cure, but he was getting into a routine and liked having me around for company. if you know anything about the disease, i don't really have to say what kind of craziness went on. it was just elevated to a whole other level when my dad and his two brothers started in on what i assume has been years and years of pented up grudges. my uncle that didn't want to deal anymore, was even talking trash about me behind my back. it got bad. i don't even know what the fuck was going on. then grandpa went into the hospital. he was anemic and we didn't know and some dialysis stuff too. he stopped eating and one night i even had to call 911. that was the scariest. after that we hired a real caregiver. i couldn't handle it anymore, emotionally or physically. i couldn't handle the family drama either. sigh. anyway, i haven't seen my grandfather since new year's day. after seeing him on new year's i realized that i wasn't as strong as i thought. i even made my mom take me back to my other grandparent's house because i couldn't stand to be in the house. should i feel bad? guilty? or should i feel bad and guilty about not feeling as bad and guilty as i should...? i have already accepted my grandmother's death. i have accepted that my grandfather is dying. i have accepted that i am not the strong, emotionally stable person i often wish i was. but when i was sitting at the green hills cemetary this afternoon, i don't know. it made me forget everything that i had told myself that i knew. i used to be one of those skeptics that thought it was weird when people went and talked to dead relatives and stuff. i talked to my grandma today. and in her own heavenly way, she reassured me that everything would be okay. grandpa would be fine. my uncles would be alright. my dad would get better. and that i was fine. even though it was a good experience, i couldn't help leaving the plot feeling a bit...down... i just needed to get that all out. my apologies for the length and whatnot...but thank you for listening. tears and hankies, sara __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Great stuff seeking new owners in Yahoo! Auctions! http://auctions.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+