Mr. Spock here. How've you been? You look well. Here's a screenplay for my next blockbuster. I made it up. All of it. Even the people, and dammit the story too. Any resemblance to real people or a real film is a damn coincidence. Again I used a sweary approach, to portray some of my harder edged characters. I thoroughly recommend none of you take up swearing. Watch it kids. DE LIVER UNS ============ Stuart Murdoch, Stevie Jackson and Stephen Pastel are having a weekend canoeing down the Cahooooooga river. Usually they play golf, but they fancied a change. Characters Stephen Pastel : Adventurer, hard as fuck Stuart Murdoch : Humanist, nature loving, effeminate. Stevie Jackson : Guitar wielding family man. Red AMK van drives up to a wooden hut by the side of a huge river. There's a wee guy sitting with a banjo outside Stephen Pastel: Gonna drive ma van tae Glasgae, ya ugly wee cunt? Stuart Murdoch: Swephen, why oh why dwo you have to be so so wude to people? Stephen Pastel: FUCKIN SHUT IT YOU! ANSWER ME, ya ugly wee bastard! Stevie Jackson: Wow man, you've got a banjo - look I gotta guitar. Let's jam! [Stevie and the ugly wee fella play that duelling banjos tune. Top!] Stuart Murdoch: Oh, that's was beeeaaaauuuuutiful! How wovely! Wovely Wovely Wovely! Stephen Pastel: Aye, that was fuckin magic, by the way. Stevie Jackson: Nice one wee man. I could play all day with you. Ugly Wee Man : Aye right! You're pish at guitar, big man. [Stephen Pastel shoots the wee guy with an arrow. The wee guy dies] Stuart Murdoch: Oh no! Swephen, why evew did you dwo that? You'we so siwwy! Stevie Jackson: Aye, that was a bit uncalled for, ya nutter. Stephen Pastel: Wee bastard called me a poof! Stevie Jackson: No, he said I was shite at guitar, which is fair enough. Stephen Pastel: He fuckin never! He called me a fuckin bender! Wee shite. So I killed him. YOU GOT A FUCKIN PROBLEM WI THAT? Stevie Jackson: He really didn't, you know. Stephen Pastel: Shite! What am I gonna fucking do then? Stuart Murdoch: Phone the powice and tell them what you have done? Stephen Pastel: FUCK THAT - I'M NO FUCKING GOING BACK TO BARLINNIE!! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SELFISH WEE FUCK? Stevie Jackson: Why don't wee just pull him up into those woods, and bury him? Stephen Pastel: Aye, nice one. [The three of them grab a leg each and pull the ugly wee guy up into the woods] [They start to bury him] Stevie Jackson: There's someone over there! Stephen Pastel: SHITE! Better distract them [The pair of them leave Stuart to bury the wee guy] [There's two scary hillbilly nutters up the hill a bit, one of them] [has a big gun] Stephen Pastel: What the fuck do you two think you're doing? Nutter1: FUCKIN SHUT IT YOU. [Nutter2. Points the gun at Stephen Pastel. There's a bit of a scuffle.] [Ends up Stevie is tied to a tree with a belt round his neck] Nutter1: Take off yer clothes Stephen Pastel. You gotta a real purty mouth. Look a bit like a cow. I'm gonna shag you. Stephen Pastel: Dinnae! Nutter1: Aye, I'm gonna fuckin shag you. Get yer clothes off now, Or else Nutter2 will shoot you, then I'll still shag you. [Stephen Pastel Strips naked] Stephen Pastel: Ya Bastard. Nutter1: Look a bit like a cow. Moo like a cow, daisy! Stephen Pastel: moo Nutter1: YOU'D BETTER MOO A LOT FUCKING BETTER THAN THAT!MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Stephen Pastel: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! [Nutter1 arses Stephen Pastel] [Nutter2 looks at Stevie] Nutter2: You're all mine. hehehe. You gotta real purty mouth. Nutter1: Shite! The wee fuckers shot me!! [Nutter1 falls dead. Nutter2 Runs away. Wee Stuart Murdoch appears from behind a tree with a bow and arrow] Stuart Murdoch: Take that you big bad buwwy. Sweven are you ok? Stephen Pastel: NO I'M NOT FUCKING OK. THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YA PRICK. [stephen grabs the bow and arrow off Stuart and shoots Stuart dead.] [Then he puts the bow and arrow to his own head, and shoots himself] [Stevie is left tied to the tree with a belt round his neck. He ] [suffers for a while then dies of oxygen starvation] THE END Love, Christine xx Wee Ugly Cunt: +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list please mail "sinister@majordomo.net". To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to "majordomo@majordomo.net". For list archives and searching, list rules, FAQ, poor jokes etc, see http://www.majordomo.net/sinister +---+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" +---+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+