BEANS AND THE BEANSTALK Scene 1 A winter's day In a deep and dark December Stuart, and flatmate, Chris “Beans” Geddes. Stuart: Chris, well, it looks like we’ll have to sell the old cow. We need some money. I dunno how much we’ll get for her. Take her to market and see what you can get, Chris. I’m trusting you not to mess up on this. We need money for food, the TV license and to pay the leccy bill, and maybe still have some for the cinema. Chris: Yeah. It’ll be sad to get rid of her. Stuart: Well, goodbye Isobel. Chris: You not coming? Stuart: Nah. Gonna watch the telly. Chris: What’s on the box? Stuart: Man About The House Chris: .. With Paula Wilcox? Stuart: Aye. Chris: Kewl. [Chris takes Isobel to market. He swaps her for some Northern Soul records, ignoring Stuarts advice.] Chris: not in any way definitive, just my current faves. These are great! Stuart: (rubbing hands gleefully) so lets see chris! How much did you get us? Chris: I met a man today. He told me something pretty strange. There's always somebody saying something, He said, "The world is as soft as lace." It reminded me of records. So I ended up record shopping. Look, I got this neat record, by Frank Wilson Do I Love You (Indeed I Do). This is my favourite at the moment, sends shivers down the spine from start to finish. A great dance beat and a storming vocal that is heartfelt but not too sentimental. A perfect record. [Stuarts face drops.] Stuart: spluttering you got records?? Chris: yeah, Lots of these tunes are pretty easy to get on compilations. Stuart: you got records???? Chris: Yeah. They’re great. You’ll love them. Stuart: (face like thunder) I don’t love ANYTHING Chris: Not even Christmas? Stuart: Especially not that! Chris: hey Stuart, you look like your about to explode… [Stuart gasps, turns on his heel, and walks out the room.] Chris: Nice day for a sulk… [goes back to looking at his records.] [Stuart re-enters the room, picks up some of the records, and in a rage, smashes them, and throws them out the window, in a fit of rock’n’roll madman antics. Chris looks on, shocked.] Chris: Whadja do that for? Stuart: I asked you to get us some money! Chris: Records are valuable! and for a small fee I'll dj in your front room. Stuart: we need money. Chris, we need cash for food. Your djing at school discos won’t get us far, will it? Its not as if they’re paying you. For men with guns, maturing in age will always pay a shitty wage. They'll always pay a shitty wage Chris: oh, yeah… Stuart: (mocking) oh, yeah… yer shoelace is undone by the way [Chris bends over to tie his lace. As he does so, he accidentally bumps a Ming vase, which was sitting on the edge of a table. Stuart screams like a girl.] Stuart: You’re an untied state of calamity! Chris: HEY! It was an accident! Stuart: What are we gonna do? We have no money. You swapped Isobel for some records. You know we don’t stand a chance. [Chris sighs heavily. A solitary tear rolls down Chris’ cheek.] Stuart Aye. That’s right. Hang your head in shame and cry your life away. Chris: well you didn’t have to smash up my records. What is it I must do to pay for all my crimes? What is it I must do? I would do it all the time. Stuart (patting Chris on the shoulder, affectionately, but in a manly way): Chris, where did you go wrong? You used to make me smile when I was down [Chris sobs a bit more.] Stuart: Look. Chris. What have we got left? I got rid of my car… and I loved my car. Chris (interupting): yeah, and GAVE AWAY the money to CHARITY. And you have the nerve to have a go at me. If you had specs, I’d call you a speccy fucker. Stuart: That’s not the point… Chris: No? At least I got something back for Isobel. I got records. And now you smashed them up, and I got nothing! [Stuart throws the record pieces out the window.] Stuart: There. NOW you’ve got nothing. Chris: Git. [Stuart and Chris go to their respective bunk beds, fighting on the ladder for the top bunk. Stuart, being an ex-boxer ‘n’ all, wins. Chris lies on the bottom bunk grumbling.] Stuart: Go to sleep! Chris: No you go to sleep first! [The argument over who goes to sleep first rages on for half an hour, resulting in both falling asleep.] TO BE CONTINUED..... ===== <a href="http://retrosec.blogspot.com/">http://retrosec.blogspot.com/</a> thoughts __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Everything you'll ever need on one web page from News and Sport to Email and Music Charts http://uk.my.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "peculiarly deranged fanbase" +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "frighteningly named Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +-+ "sick posse of f**ked in the head psycho-fans" - NME June 2001 +-+ +-+ Nee, nee mun pish, chan pai dee kwa +-+ +-+ Snipp snapp snut, sa var sagan slut! +-+ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+