I never intended to write tonight and never today or this morning or yet, but then sometimes life reaffirms itself in the strangest of ways and you remember quite why you`re in on something in the first place and then that's how I came to be stumbling thru the park in these early hours, finally (previously having abused dad's torch batteries as walkman generators) listening to If Your Feeling Sinister - the first time PROPERLY in so long and everything came back as to why I should be here, on this list in the first place and though it's all alcohol fueled music appreciation (which must be soem kind of achievement in itself) somehow the songs seemed to capture the cold and the movement of my feet and when I thought of that friend of mine who said he could never listen to B&S because of Stu M's irritating voice I realised that FEELING, the power of truely FEELING a song passes over so many people no matter how clever - but he always hated Mozza anyway which must be a crime. Stop. And then I heard Dylan in the Movies and I thought can this just be about one sad reference to one great film: Don't Look Back and surely `In the movies` should refer to that 80s film catastrophe Dylan flaunted his rancid wrinkles in.... and I still love him with his hair like old rope... or even Pat Garrett or something - a mannerism that only Stu M knew but I dreaded the reality as a throwaway lyric, no matter how great the group is a crime - one reference to a cult 60s extend pop promo (sacriledge) can never be enough to drive ANY any song, so don't let me down because until tonight I thought it meant escape and excitement and so much more - Dylan in the movies, well that's like On The Road or One Flew Over The Cuckoo Nest in terms of titles so it just has to mean more. And then that Sinister guy who nearly got buggered outside Preston well that was just excitement wasn't it? People with too much time on their hands like me and this horrible home crowd of mine seem to fantasise about their sexual persuasions - YES TONIGHT IN THE PUB - and yet each time I think more & more that it really is down to the difference between caring and desire and whether you can feel passion for the same sex in the same sense that most of us can probably imagine the comfort of a real friends arms as enough to feel safe for them to share anything together. Well which man didn't want to lay beside Richey Edwards in admiration but why do these people keep coming to me and saying they're not happy in terms of relationships and perhaps their sexuality is in question because I know that inside any of my own flirtations with the same sex have been vain and showy and sad - exciting yes but in the same way as a car crash or the rush of the bare thrill of being punched hard in a fight - so if you have to debate it with me then your probably as cynical as I and cynical means nothing as it's the sort of made up word that people keep pretending exists like `evil` or `wicked` or `Jesus`. Which is cheap of me. Sorry if this hurts but probalby you can say that if somebody is open enough to question their sexual desires to check properly what they are they probably truely know where they are or at least their not in any kind of scared denial. I wonder what denial of sexuality feels like - is it like waiting to go to the toilet so you get a greater sense of relief? So If Your Feeling Sinister changed everything bad about tonight like it seems to again and again and though it won't take the taste of kebab out of my throat in the morning or even allow me to wish I'd never written or mailed you this in my pretentious haze it does make me feel wanted which is kind so this could either be the best or worst of posts I've ever composed. Oh back again. Friends at home seemed so good didn't they and then you went to uni and realised that the friends at home were even better and then you came back from uni and realised that in actual fact the uni friends were better and that you needed to change your rose tinted glasses and then every time you got back after that your home friends seemed to degenerate even further and then you realised that they weren't really getting worse but were just standing still and you moved off in different ways and left them alone. So get away I say and DON'T LOOK BACK - ah I got it at last so Stu M is saved from my mind of the crime of being shallow. If you look at this mail as individual sentances or paragraphs and it doesn't scan try treating it as a whole and everythings coming into place together. Thanks to those who sent Ralph Steadman info as I neglected to thank them personnaly, but bizarelly remember now when I really should be remembering to lock the house or something more important... but you're all so great and I want to know you make me feel settled all over so this list can never die as complacency is the most radical force in modern life. What happened to all the females on the list recently. Honestly you take away free computing access for the xmas period and we see the real ownership of home computer users - you all need to lose testosterone over some internet porn tonight and come back witrh glittery thighs tommorow. You realise of course as I make all these typos and speeling mistakes I think of the American individual on this list (oh so specific) who commented on the British Sinisterarians over ambitious use of their own language but you must forgive us as few of us on this side of the Atlantic would ever have the indie-chic of being into B&S were it not a part of our university curriculum. Well I may be wrong but American listees just seem so cool in comparison. Which is probably a nice point to wish you all well and say goodnight at last Love and xmas/winterval wishes Tom x +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the reborn Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail "sinister@majordomo.net". To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to "majordomo@majordomo.net". 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