------------------------------------------- She wouldn't look back. Ahead of her was the future, and, having a future, it seemed churlish to ignore it. She fumbled in her pockets for a cigarette, lifting it to her mouth and leaving it there. She didn't like to smoke, but she liked the reassurance, and the solidity, and the fact that it wouldn't clear off the next morning, leaving her with only her dreams. Such dreams. She often thought it was those that marked her out - a Strange One, the mothers said. What the kids said was less kind, but she was learning not to expect kindness from people. Or, not from these people anyway. Perhaps someone, somewhere, far away.. Just in time, she jumped back from the kerb as, under the wheels of a passing bus, a puddle became a fountain. She glared at the driver as he laughed, and she thought of the boy at school who dreamed of being a bus driver and, even now, spent all his days sitting on the back of a number 11, going round and round, in a never-decreasing circle. She thought of his eyes, and his mouth and she thought that she should never have showed him her song. Boys were useless at keeping quiet. And yet this one felt different, warmer, softer. Less like a boy. But, yet, not quite like a girl either. Above her, the streetlamp flickered. The rest were broken: children - younger than her - and stones, or bricks, or bottles. Everyone was hard, everyone was untouchable and frightening and protected against everybody else. She would leave them behind. She would. Except him, perhaps. She tried to think of other things but he kept coming back: 'Judy... I don't know you' Oh, but he did. Better than anyone. She already felt like she'd shown him everything, but it was only a song, a stupid song. It meant nothing, just like all the thoughts in her head. The thoughts that the tablets were supposed to stop. Except...she hadn't taken them. She reached in her pockets and fingered one, and left it there. It was tempting, but it felt too easy, too unbelievable. If it was going to work, it had to be harder than that. Her secret. She'd go to the doctor's and she'd tell them how well she was doing, how calm she felt these days and how the dreams didn't trouble her any more and - How could he say he didn't know her? What did he want? It was so easy to tell with the other boys. She'd had that, the other boys. That was the past. Ahead was the future. She kept telling herself this, and hoped that at some point she'd be able to believe it. Past the posh houses on the corner where the new girl lived: tall and elegant and already widely loved She considered stopping by, and saying hello, just to see the shock on the face of her prospective host. But no... the next morning... all around the school: ' I don't know. She was just standing there on my doorstep, looking at me as if she thought I was going to ask her IN'... No. She didn't need that. She didn't need them. Let them stay inside, she'd rather be alone. Ahead, a light gleamed faintly behind trees. Saint Theresa's - the churchyard looked safe and forgiving, but she knew better and kept walking. She still remembered the day she'd found herself outside, pulling frantically at the door handle, crying, and knowing inside that it had to be locked. These things were always locked. She lit the cigarette, fought the urge to retch as the smoke hit the back of her throat, and put it out again. She didn't know why she liked to pretend. They said she shouldn't think the things she did. Not at her age. The dreams had to stop. She didn't tell them they'd got the dreams all wrong. Tomorrow, she would talk to him. She didn't know what she was going to say, but she would tell him. And, if he had nothing to say to her in return, she'd give up on the books and learning and she would catch the first train heading North. Or South. 'London....yeah, London' 'SQUAWK! LONDON....YEAH LONDON!' Silently, she cursed the parrot on her shoulder. She wished she knew where it had come from. The star above lit the way as she walked. She wouldn't look back. Ahead of her was the future. ---------------------------------------------- that may or may not appear in friends of the heroes at some point. i'm anticipating SO MANY responses from you lot to that mail i sent yesterday that we won't have room for it. just one response would be nice... you're probably all busy with lives, and such. i have just been unfortunate enough to catch five minutes of pop idol. i went to shut the door because i couldn't concentrate with the television on in the next room and my attention was caught by the fact that a contestant was singing the beautiful stevie wonder song 'knocks me off my feet'. he was criticised for picking a song that wouldn't be known by those watching and wasn't a 'proper' pop song. two of the judges practically admitted they hadn't heard of it. the other two thought it lacked personality. which says a lot about them. perhaps its a little too simplistic to say that mainstream pop music has gone down the shitter because its controlled by people who have never listened to stevie wonder. but, fuck it, i'm going to say it anyway. mainstream pop music has gone down the shitter because its controlled by people who have never listened to stevie wonder. there, i said it again. that makes it DOUBLY TRUE! have nice evenings, or weekends, if you live to the west, and still have some left. i do love you, yknow xx ian +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. 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