Hello Sinister! The Cat's PJs asked me why I tend to put Ken Chu in my subject lines and the answer is simple. Because Ken needs special attention and he's cute! Okay, my real reason is more self-serving. It's because it makes ME laugh. A lot. Twice now, I have compiled my favorite bits of your posts to comment on in my very own post, and it just seems to be stagnant, so I don't post anything. It's not because what you kitties are posting isn't good (in fact, it's been grate lately!), it's just that I am finding that my method is becoming a bit too "post-by-numbers" for my liking (although the number thing might excite you Kirsten, I still suck at math!) So, I'm just going to write... Stine thought about me when she heard "Beautiful" the other day and she wrote about crying when she read my post about how I assimilate my life on anti-depressant medication to that song. I cried when I read that Stine remembered mine, I was so touched. That was one of my first posts to the list, before I had adopted the name Fruitloop. Actually, that post was one of the reasons I took on the name... I didn't necessarily want to be known as "crazy" Rachel and it was a good way of referring to myself as crazy whilst strengthening the !Viva Rachels! movement in breakfast moniker solidarity with Rachel Cornflake and the other "breakfast" Rachels to follow. So, there's a bit of a refresher course in Sinister Rachels history. If you want to read my post (the rest of this might make more sense if you do), it's in the archives from September 21st and it's called Crazy "Beautiful" (I'd put a link in here but I'm too sexy!) This sort of relates to what Jimmy Gilmer had written about not owning your moods and what Kate had written about Zen ideas. I deal with it in a different way. I don't own my moods because I am on a drug. I accept the fact that I need medication. I see now that my fear of always being noticably medicated and having my feelings behind a barrier or wall was only an occurance that happened with the particular medication I was on (Zoloft, for those who wonder). Some members of my family still do not support my decision to be medicated, but I think it's mainly because these members of my family know that they probably need medication, too,(doctors have recommended it to them, even!) but they fear the stigma of it more than anything else. If it were anyone else but my family, I could say "screw them, I won't be ashamed for taking a drug that helps me function in all aspects of my life" but when it's my mother, especially... the shame is indescribable. But mostly I find myself feeling good because I know myself and like myself well enough to make my life better, and I know that this can be achieved with medication. Since I posted in mid-September, several things have happened that have changed me. They all directly relate to Sinister. A response to my Crazy "Beautiful" post was from Elise Spry who happens to work in a psych clinic and she suggested I try a different medication called Celexa, which I have been on since November. What a HUGE difference! I am no longer zombiefied by Zoloft and the side effects are so minimal that I don't even notice ANY! I am so much happier. And Elise became a very good friend from that first contact on. She is so sweet! Switching medication wasn't a hard transition physically, it's just that mentally I had a lot riding on this switch... I thought THIS was the answer to the fashion blues, and I just didn't know what I would do if it wasn't. But so far it has been wonderful. So I'm going to have to find a new song to assimilate with my life... I am not saying that everyone should go on medication because they're depressed. I am also not saying that I'm "unique" I'm actually "only slightly mental"... I have panic attacks that are crippling when I am not medicated and I'm under a lot of stress. The medication helps that. I also tend to be very pessimistic by nature, and I dwell on things I shouldn't. I don't do that so much now, the little things don't get to me anymore now that I am on medication. I don't get absorbed in that downward spiral of dwelling on misery. My uncle once said that even as a small child I was "plugged into the world" at a very young age and I can clearly recall being depressed and even angry a lot of the time at the injustices of being a child. This is just the way my mind works. I tend to analyse and dissect things and try to figure it all out. I can't help but view the world in terms of blacks and whites with very little grays. The medication helps me see the grays. And anyone who wishes to talk about medication and mental health with me more is welcome to e-mail me personally. I should also mention that my Crazy "Beautiful" post also got me my first list crush vote and it happened to be from Ben Apps. I credit that post, this list, and Belle & Sebastian for bringing the love of my life to me. So, you lonely kids who joined Jenny Payne's Sini-Valentine Exchange, watch out! You never know when the next legendary Sinister romance will be born! Have fun in Brighton, kitties! love to you all, Rachel fruitloop __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Send FREE Valentine eCards with Yahoo! Greetings! http://greetings.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. 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