May I just say that you're all a bunch of bastards. Utter bastards. Well not all of you. In fact I think most of you are really quite lovely. But there is an utter, utter bastard in our midst, oh yes. I know not whom, their name evades me, and even if I did know I wouldn't say because Mummy taught me that it's rude to point. Even at utter, utter, UTTER bastards. Who smell of wee. Yes, someone last week mentioned the TOTP gorilla. Again. I avoided the list at time of said incident out of self love and not wanting to hurt my delicate thespian feelings, but just as one feels it's safe to peep over the parapet the monkey is mentioned. DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW I COVETED THAT ROLE? Why not just mention the Sc***ish pl*y and PISS ON MY GRAVE? I'm sorry to disillusion those of you who thought that Stuart and Co whisked up the monkey idea in a fit of high-jinks spontaneity, but it was a cleverly considered scheme from Sell-Out Central Corp. I answered the Ad in Stage sometime in February, attended a plethora of auditions (I, as ever, showed them my Willy Lomax to gasps and coos of admiration, costume fittings and the like and was nigh on assured that the part was mine. Off then I went, plunged into an arduous regime of bananas and David Attenborough videos in my dedication to 'The Method'. I even spent a week with Keith Harris' hand up my arse. Although strictly speaking that wasn't related. Oh yes, if a part's worth doing, it's worth doing well and never let it be said that I, Adam Aloysius Slinky III (the list surname is a Nom de guerre sop to the Welsh Ethnic thing my agent foisted upon me back when Cerys was cool) am less than 100% committed to my craft. No, sod it, 115%. That covers my agent's cut as well. Anyway, I digress. Suffice to say I was royally shafted at the last minute in a way that would make Prince Edward blanch. No reason was given, just half-hearted apologies and the promise of 'future work'. Yes, yes. That old chestnut. Don't call us... It's not my only knockback of late either. I flew into Glasto a couple of weeks hence to assume my usual role of Bowie's squirming shame and somnambulism. "Sorry Slinks", he says, "But I won't be needing you today, I've decided to go back to being a God again." I began to plead with him "But, Dave..." "That's Dame David to you now Slinks." he sneered. "Now on your knees and kiss my velvet boot." I was so dented I had to spend extra time with my support group. Lovely lad, he is. Works from a flat off Wardour Street. So now it's to you, dear list, that I turn. And please do not consider this list abuse, for I am part of the list and to act in so brazen a way would be to act against my self. Although, as such, I am not entirely averse to self abuse. But onwards with my plea. I'm available. All parts considered. You must have seen me in the Shake n Vac ads back in the 70s, but my most sparkling work has been in the pop and rock community. Gaz Coombe's sideburns, Brittney's pert chest (pre-op. Got kicked off the role in favour of Brummie fraud), Damon's ego. Etcetera. etcetera. Hold on, my mobile's vibrating... Well must dash. That was my agent. I've got to go and pile pounds on in a way to make De Niro look like the skinny freak he was in Raging Bull. I'll see you all on tour sometime soon. Wave to me do. I'll be playing Isobels's arse. Mwah mwah. Ciao. a. PS. I could say I love Baxendale. But i would be saying it with irony. PPS. I can say I hate Bis. Tradition demands it. +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students" +-+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "peculiarly deranged fanbase" "frighteningly named +-+ +-+ Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+