there was something in the air that night the stars were bright. i was minding my business lifting some lead off the roof of the holy name church.. no. not really. i was riding on city buses, for a hobby. its sad okay. no i wasn't doing that either. i was wanking and staring at the wall, as usual.. there's just SOMETHING about that wall... when i saw him, standing there. creeping up around my window. it had been a hard day's night. i should have been sleeping like a log. but, like i said, i was otherwise engaged. well.. as you can imagine, i was shocked. shocked to my big foundations. he came in through the bathroom window. protected by a silver spoon. i just hadn't got a clue what to do. so i offered him a cup of herbal tea. he grunted, and collapsed on the couch. 'sugar?' 'sugar' (oh no... no sugar tonight.. and no sweetener, either. i won't have that crap in my house.) 'oh my. honey?' 'honey' i took that as a yes, and went to see what he wanted. i wasn't sure what to make of the whole thing... i half wondered if it had been a mistake to eat all that mouldy cheese i found stuck to the back of the cooker. they say there are funny little animals that crawl around inside the blue bits of blue cheese. perhaps i was hallucinating...they'd crawled out of the cheese and into my BRAIN. was i insane.... in the membrane? probably not. but something was definitely occuring. something out of the ordinary. 'it isn't every day you get visited by a yeti.' another grunt 'sasquatch' 'oh.' we sat in silence, for a while. i didn't want to say anything. i had a feeling words were very unneccessary - that they could only do harm. the yeti showed no sign of revealing its origin. it stared at the television, seemingly entranced by the game show repeat that flashed across the screen. 'err.. do you get your kicks watching bruce on the old generation game?' i asked. nothing. clearly not. whatever it was here for, i was starting to wish it would do it, and fuck off. 'look... if there's anything that you want. if there's anything i can do -' 'SILENCE!'. he stood up. i sat down, and said nothing. its the best thing to do when you're being menaced by an angry sasquatch. and i waited: 'please allow me to introduce myself i'm a man-' 'actually, you're a yeti, which is. OW!' like a whirlpool, my head was spinning. i clutched my head, and decided not to interrupt him, incase he hit me again. '- a man of wealth and taste. and i've come to sing you a song.' 'a song to set me free?' he pulled his Very Angry Face again, and continued 'nobody writes them like they used to...' and, with that, a deep breath. a lovely, haunting, almost eerie song. i held my breath througout, although the whole thing was a little puzzling.. his voice faded... 'don't forget to catch me don't forget to catch me la la la la la' he handed me a slip of paper, a face i'd seen before. an Arm-Wavey Hip Swingy Maraca Shakey Type Of Girl, from the looks of it. but i still couldn't place her. and i was still a little puzzled... 'like a WHAT...she moved? a HARPSICHORDIST? how does a harpsichordist move? and what are elvis tears? are you mad?' my visitor stood, as if to leave at LAST. go on, now, go. walk out the door. but he didn't. he looked at me some more. i got the feeling he wanted something.. i didn't know what.. 'do you want money? is that what you want?' apparently not. 'what do you want if you don't want money??' 'a song. teach me a song. i walk the earth, my darling, it is my home. i'm singing in the rain, and when the sun has got his hat on, i'm dancing with tears in my eyes and i'm lost in music... caught in a trap.' 'no turning back?' how sad. and yet, free. free, like the bluebird flying high..okay then.. i could do this. i stood there, for a while, trying to think what sort of music a yeti would like, and thinking how odd it was that it had called me darling. i hoped it wasn't coming on to me. i hoped it wouldn't try and sex me up the bum. i still had a horrible stubble rash from the last time i had sex with an ape. i picked my song, quickly, and launched into it.. these are hard times. i wanted a good song. something about reconciliation. i picked a song by melanie, called 'beautiful people'. Beautiful People You live in the same world as I do But somehow I never noticed You before today I'm ashamed to say Beautiful people We share the same back door And it isn't right We never met before But then We may never meet again If I weren't afraid you'd laugh at me I would run and take all your hands And I'd gather everyone together for a day And when we gathered I'll pass buttons out that say Beautiful people Then you'd never have to be alone 'Cause there'll always be someone With the same button on as you Include him in everything you do. Beautiful people You ride the same subway As I do every morning That's got to tell you something We've got so much in common I go the same direction that you do So if you take care of me Maybe I'll take care of you Beautiful people You look like friends of mine And it's about time That someone said it here and now I make a vow that some time, somehow I'll have a meeting Invite everyone you know I'll pass out buttons to The ones who come to show Beautiful people Never have to be alone 'Cause there'll always be someone With the same button on as you and you can wear it upside down* Include him in everything you do He may be sitting right next to you He may be beautiful people too And if you take care of him Maybe he'll take care of you And if you take care of him Maybe I'll take care of you... cause all of the beautiful people do and you're all beautiful people too. blimey... that was good. i was feeling refreshed, invigorated... and kind of horny. i sidled up to my new friend 'do you wanna funk? won't you tell me now?' '...' 'if you wanna funk, let me show you how..' '...' '...' '....no. thank you. but, no.' and, with that, the Singing Sasquatch grunted again, and left the house. i ran to the door.. i screamed 'don't leave me this way! i can't exist!!' too late. he'd gone. but i still shouted behind him... 'that's right... bugger off!! bugger off to thessonaliki and visit dimitra daisy, for all i care!' and i went back inside. wanking and staring at the wall just didn't feel the same any more. i sat, and thought about it. i felt jealous. a semi-mythical minstrel, wandering the earth. he'd never fail like common people, never watch his life slide out of view and dance and drink and fail to get a screw. i wondered where he might go next. i turned on the television nobody was really saying anything of interest i fell asleep. i hope you're happy, you beautiful people. xx ian * this line of the post is made up. the rest is all true. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. 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