I've been feeling pretty empty of things to write to Sinister recently. There have been little things I've thought of, noticed, and mentally noted. But all motivation and inspiration disappears when I sit down at my laptop. I start sentences, and then they sort of trail off, and I don't quite know how to end them or where it will lead. I've been quite busy recently, sitting at computers all day long and the like. At work, I'm busy writing and preparing things. I have little projects on the go at work. I've finished one paper, and now I'm moving onto paper number two. The first, was a Guide for MSPs (Manic Scottish Politicians). The second is about record keeping and more importantly, record disposal. "Keep original copies and dispose of duplications: Keep original Tigermilk; get rid of OCS and other Paul Weller duplicates". See work can be fun. At home, I've updated my personal web site. I've removed a lot of the nonsense. It was an experiment when I set it up. Wanting a web site, but needing something to put on it. So I just put anything that came to mind. Learning how to use different programs. Teaching myself HTML tricks. But most importantly, for any would-be web site designer, the art, and value of cut and paste. Now I've got rid of a lot of things. The cheesy, retro "so naff its cool" animations. And I've stuck some interviews up there; taken from the fanzine I used to edit Point of Isolation. There's still some which need to be transferred there, but I've lost the electronic copies, so it will be a laborious, hangover day job of typing them up again from the paper copies. Go and have a look if you want something for free that I used to charge people for (or give away, depending on alcohol levels). There's an interview with the boss of B+S ex-label, Mark Jones. There's a Jeff Mueller interview. Lift to Experience, and others. I think, most of all though, the bit that people seem to respond to most of all, is the wee online art room. Especially as you can get lots of people in there at the same time, that's quite good fun. http://www.geocities.com/idleberry I lost my specs today. I can't tell you how naked I'm feeling right now without them. Its an alien experience to be working without them. not quite x files, more "what files?? I don't see any files" ************* I was looking through my inbox today, and came across the first e mail I got in it. i set this e mail account up, when i fancied this boy you see. I was living in norway at the time, it was the start of 1999. Every day, on the bus, I would see this bloke, who was gorgeous. I liked the cut of his hat, and the look in his eye. He wore flares, for crying out loud. Therefore, he must be fanciable. He had dark hair, and he wore a blue jacket with a green felt hat. But every day, I saw him with a different girl on the bus. And then, somehow, I found out he lived down stairs from me. I was too shy to talk to him. But I did my research- which could techincally constitute stalking, but i like to think it was research- and found out his name. I'd see him at the bus stop, and I would get the same bus as him. I wanted to talk to him, but I was too shy. So instead, i'd catch a glimpse of him, and be happy all day long. It was a sad existence, but i was very lonely in norway I'd wonder what his voice sounded like, and I wondered, if amidst all that pouting, he'd ever smile, and what sort of smile he might have. Anyway, Valentines day was approaching. And i thought to myself, heck, it can't hurt to send him a card. But how would I find out what he thought of it, if it was anonymous? So I wrote the card, and put this e mail address inside. I set up this e mail account especially. People knew my regular e mail account addresses, so I knew I had to think up something new. Something nobody else would know. Then I remembered a letter I had written to a pal. My pal, a bloke called Chris, and have known since I was 17. He went to school with Roddy Woomble of idlewild, and used to drag me along to their gigs, at the cas rock in edinburgh, before it became another theme pub. Back in their fierce panda days. Later, when we went to T In The Park one year, Roddy refused to sign Chris an autograph at the signing tent,claiming he saw him all the time anyway. Chris disagreed. "You're always on tour or whatever". So Roddy signed the autograph, but addressed it to Chris' mum. And I wrote this letter to chris, one cold january evening, and I asked "Hows my favourite idleberry then?" with a reference to his unconditional fan-ness for the band. idlewild. wild berry. idleberry. it just appeared, in my writing of the letter. And it sort of stuck in my mind afterwards. so i thought, that'd do. I'd use the nick "idleberry" and I set up this email account. and i sent my valentines card to this guy. Valentines day was on a saturday that year. I couldn't wait for Monday morning, when I could go into uni and check my e mails. But Monday morning, glued to my new e mail account inbox, and nothing appeared. So off I went home, slightly disappointed, and more so cos I didn't see the cute boy on the bus. And then Tuesday. I sat around on the internet, browsing chat rooms, and checking my inbox everyfive minutes. I had to go and work in this underground cafe I had a volunatary job at the university, called Kafe Bodega. I got to serve proper filter coffee, with fresh made waffles and jam, and all the teas you could imagine- proper tea leaves, and tea strainers- from earl grey to cactus tea. The tables were identical, little and round with tea lights and a small centre piece table cloth, and it was lit with wall mounted lamps, and the walls were painted in deep vampy red. Sometimes they;d show a film, an obscure, independent film there. Like maybe a film about snowboarding. It was a great place to met people, and everyone was really chatty, except me, cos I was too shy. And you could pick up board games and play backgammon or chess or draughts. And i got all the waffles I could eat, for working there. That was dinner sorted out for Tuesday every week. Wednesday, no sign of any emails. By Friday, I had resigned myself, with a heavy heart, he'd probably scoffed at it, and thrown it away. He'd probably thought it was a joke, or something too soppy, and girlie, and commercial, and whatever else might go through the mind of a man. Still, only I knew it was from me. Although I couldn't help, but feel a slight thought, if he knew it would be from me. maybe. The following Monday, I went to uni, and checked the e mail account. And there was his email. "Hei framtidige e-post venn? Et valertinerkort jeg av deg fikk Konvolutten var fylt av mystikk (osv.) :) Hvem er du?" It reads: "hello future e-mail friend? A valentine card i found from you the envelope was full of mystery (etc.) :) who are you?" of course, it actually ryhmes, in norwegian, but not in english. So, in an excited panic, i thought of my reply. i asked a friend to check it for me. I wanted to tell him I was too shy to speak to him, and that I'd seen him, and thought he was cute. I told him I lived in the same building, and I was a foreign student. (I thought telling him I was foreign might up my chances in the "interesting background" stakes). Only my friend, a german girl, misheard me. And instead of "shy" she thought i said "dry". Now try re-reading that again, and you can imagine what it might have meant. The reply came back. He said he was sorry if I misunderstood why he replied. he was extremely flattered, and thought it was very brave of me to send him a valentines card. But he had a lover, and was very happy... with him. I blushed bright red, then and there in the computer room in uni. As scarlet as the walls of Kafe Bodega. I re read it. I read it again. When I saw him, after that, I tried not to see if he saw me. Maybe he knew now, who his secret admirer was. And if so, I felt, very very stupid. In retrospect, I guess I look back, and I think about things differently. I think his response was lovely. I think I over reacted too quickly. And I don't feel embarrassed now. He might have liked it. He might have smiled. And that made it all worthwhile. I just wish I'd seen it. Love Idles ===== http://groups.yahoo.com/group/corduroysmoke/ starting playground gossip and passing notes __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Yahoo! Autos - Get free new car price quotes http://autos.yahoo.com +-------------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. 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