(firstly, just an aside. if you don't know me, ignore this and scan down to the dotted line below. i've been pretty much offline for the last 3 months, and have fallen very far behind with my private correspondence. i'm catching up slowly though, so please nobody think i'm ignoring them) right, to the point of this post. the sinister exam paper. are you ready, my adorable amigos? here it is.. ----- sinister exam paper may 2000. part one. you must answer ONE of the following questions...: 1. make up a mildly amusing but utterly irrelevant story about sarah cracknell. 2.describe what you had for breakfast in minute detail, with an amusing story tagged on the end about how you got really drunk and copped off with a boy and now you can't remember what his name is, and you're not sure if you should speak to him anyway, and...if you did your hair like this, would it look a bit like sarah cracknell? 3. ">I'm not quite sure what ian's thesis is, but it reads very nicely. I do have to take issue with his assertion that anyone who tries to change the world for the>better ends up doing more harm than good, though.....

what about Martin Luther King or William Wilberforce or Nelson Mandela, or...someone else not involved in black emancipation?"

discuss prof n. dastoor's comments from his seminal work "i can't stop thinking about stuart pissing on walls", with reference to belle and sebastian, happiness, charles manson and life in general. avoid extensive reference to sarah cracknell. 4. "twee". discuss. at length. Question 3 ("quelle suprise" i hear you cry...) question: discuss prof n. dastoor's comments from his seminal work "i can't stop thinking about stuart pissing on walls", with reference to belle and sebastian, happiness, charles manson and life in general. avoid extensive reference to sarah cracknell. answer: "the world is just a great big onion". (gaye and terrell, 1969) in their earliest successful thesis on the state of the world, marvin gaye and tammi terrell ponder the inherent sadness existing on the planet, and present a radical hypothesis. they suggest that much of the trouble the human race experiences can be ascribed to the essentially vegetable nature of the planet, and assert that: "the only way to get rid of this great big onion/ is to plant love's seeds until it dies" this appears to have been a commonly held perception during the early years of what has now become known as the "gobshite school" of perception. the gobshite school is of course, a thoroughly respected academic institution which persists to the current day, notable recent output being steps's wry and witty postmodernist update to the work of gibb, gibb, gibb, gibb and glibb, in which they assert that "when the feeling's gone and you can't go on, its a tragedy". the gobshite school, for all its persistence, has never felt particularly compelled to back up suggestions of this nature with hard evidence. however, the fact that gaye and terrell tapped a commonly held social perspective of their time is evident when one considers that this was the same decade that saw booker t's outrageously dry social commentary "green onions", and the beatles' suggestion that the world might be better perceived by "looking through a glass onion". the onion hypothesis still holds some validity to this day, whereas more recent attempts to compare the world to carrots, aubergines and pomegranates have met with indifference, if not outright derision. as gaye and terrell offer little but circumstancial evidence for the onion hypothesis, any serious consideration of it must be conducted in conjunction with a lengthy programme of research. literal attempts to "plant love's seeds" often prove unsuccessful. most horticultural establishments do not stock such a product, indeed, my requests that a certain blonde 18 year-old assistant at the notable "homebase" chain of diy and garden centres assisted me by supplying seeds of this nature resulted in a brief but unpleasant encounter with law-enforcement officers. the onion hypothesis, and the suggested solution must, therefore, be taken as metaphorical observations. my research into the ramifications of this brought me into contact with several opposing philosophical doctrines, and neccessitated an examination of the tunes of the modern "popular hit parade". love's seeds, it seems are little in evidence in today's modern musical world. despite constant reference to "love" in the popular music of today, it appears that any concerted effort to facilitate the introduction of this type of philanthropic farming is sadly absent. however, there appear to be a number of marginal cults which hold the worldwide dispersal of "les dandelion-clocks d'amour" (see ref. 1) as a priority. scott plagenhoef (see ref. 2) in his widely-misunderstood work "i think they've got another face/ its not a fault of mine these days" refers to a little known faction known as the "tweehuggers". he is not wholly supportive of this movement, indeed he expresses the opinion that: " For one, I'm hopeful that "twee"doesn't come out of the closet". however, his work does contain the first serious examination of this little-cherished movement. the tweehuggers are, it seems, a group of people who: "use frilly language, wear frilly things, and show a liking for all things cute, furry, shiny, sparkly, or old-fashioned such as the classic cardigan and slippers combo" (ref 3) although it is by no means the intent of all tweehuggers, it seems that many adopt such a stance with precisely the intention of using it to spread the seeds of love throughout the world. it seems that many of the members of this group see the adoption of a twee stance on life as a radical repudiation of mainstream society with its inherent aggression and unhappiness. there are several components to this repudiation. these can be summarised as: 1. appearance. (see above quote from david hoveringsoul) 2. demeanour. this maringal cult seem to believe that being "kind" and "respectful" are a sound basis on which to build their lives, a clear contradiction of current mainstream thinking (ref 4) and finally, and least importantly: 3. musical taste. it seems that, among the members of this group, there is a factional, even obsessive, following of the music of the obscure folk-rock groupette known as "belle and sebastian" the reasons for this cultural leaning amongst the tweehuggers are unclear. however, several suggestions have been put forward. these include the assertion that belle and sebastian produce music which balances the flippant irony preferred of the rock critics of this period with gentle, occasionally introspective observation. although their music often reflects the darker side of existence, occasionally even delving into "the twilight world of the nappy-wearing homosexual", there is frequently a central compassion for the subjects observed and a genuine sympathy for the daily plight of the mundane, uncaring universe faced by the personae within the songs. this daily plight is doubtless one that has been experienced by the writers themselves and is one that is frequently reflected on by the tweehuggers who populate that particularly rabid arm of the belle and sebastian following known as the "sinister" list. it would appear that many of the tweehuggers rely on the output of this musical aberration to occasionally restore their stock of the seeds of love. many, indeed, go further than this, and like to project their own desires out onto the group, believing that the mission of belle and sebastian is, like their own, to spread peace and love throughout the world - to kill gaye and terrell's onion with kindness. this is, however, merely a projection. belle and sebastian appear deliberately vague in their public position on the compassionate slaughter of vegetables and their front-person, a mr. murdoch has even been heard to use the word "cunt" in public. although this does not appear to resonate with a twee perspective on life, it must be remembered that many of those who follow the "yellow-brick road to twee city" (ref 5) are aware that the end destination cannot be a permanent one. these intelligent, thoughtful individuals are fully aware of the banality and violence of everday life and are simply trying to offset it by adopting a non-confrontational stance. this stance, paradoxically, becomes confrontational when viewed through the glass onion that is mainstream culture. many commentators see it not only as wilfully naive, but also as destructively stereotypical and demoniacally insane. it would seem, therefore, that the tweehuggers epitomise the fundamental dichotomy of modern existence. strong enough to be different, yet soft enough to care, these individuals have adopted a non-violent stance to the world which in itself becomes absurdly challenging. in conclusion, it seems that the seeds of love can be spread in many ways, and that a direct fight against the aggression of society - a "fire of angst against a fire of anger" (ref 6) - may not always be the most successful method. in promoting their own doctrine of non-violent resistance and adopting a hesitantly supportive spokesgroup in the individuals who go under the collective title of "belle and sebastian", the tweehuggers are one example of the quiet revolution that may or may not be happening in the heads of the nation. there is, therefore, much validity to prof. dastoor's statement that pursuing an action to improve the world is not neccessarily a waste of time. this may be done in more ways than is commonly accepted. the onion of the gobshite school may soon develop into a far less challenging nectarine. vive la revolution, and pass me my cardie. to conclude, i realise that i haven't actually answered the question but that was because i changed my mind halfway through this piece. in support of such behaviour i would like to quote the eternal wisdom of gorky's zygotic myncei - "i didn't finish my essay/ 'cos rock n roll is okay" (ref 7), and to point out that utter subordination to an arbitrarily chosen discussion topic is a mark of weakness of character and lack of imagination. i would also like to mention that i have incriminating negatives of each of the examiners and am willing to use them if necessary. thank you for listening ian References: 1. e. macarthur "why flora IS the new KY", new statesman 3rd feb 2000. 2. pigeon fancier's monthly, 6th may, 2000 3. d. hoveringsoul "i never REALLY wanted to be famous", hello magazine 7th may 2000 4. l.alder "an introduction to chainsaw-murder", knitting today 18th aug 1997 5. c.manson "why i'm really very, very nice", modern psychopath june 1999 6. a.ross "bollocks to all that", sociology for kittens october 1903 7. "spanish dance sooper troopers", whips and whipping, september 1999 ------------- grade: c marker's comments: you paid very little attention to the question posed, utterly failed to mention charles manson and martin luther king, and only gave a superficial answer to the topic under discussion. however, we are used to this from you and it is creditable that, on this occasion, you managed to avoid mentioning sarah cracknell. in addition, if that was you in the public conveniences behind wolverhampton bus station on friday night, you were damn good and i'll pay for the negatives. ----------------------------------------------- Tomorrow will bring happiness Or at least, another day Phil Ochs +----------------------------------------------------------------------+ +---+ Brought to you by the undead Sinister mailing list +---+ To send to the list mail sinister@missprint.org. To unsubscribe send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to majordomo@missprint.org. WWW: http://www.missprint.org/sinister +-+ "legion of bedroom saddo devotees" "tech-heads and students" +-+ +-+ "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list" +-+ +-+ "sinsietr is a bit freaky" - stuart david, looper +-+ +-+ "pasty-faced vegan geeks... and we LOST!" - NME April 2000 +-+ +-+ "peculiarly deranged fanbase" "frighteningly named +-+ +-+ Sinister List organisation" - NME May 2000 +-+ +----------------------------------------------------------------------+