Sinister: three am, light strikes twice, pepsi adventure and cravings i dont understand

[McGuire]

Alright, this isn't so much of an ink polaroid as it is my attempt to make
sense of this moment in my life. There's no wounded picture, no bloody lines
that blur the distinction between good taste and poor idealism, just an
average guy sitting alone in his apartment smoking too many cigarettes and
thinking too many thoughts.

I remember being very young and dreaming of the things i wanted. To become.
To see. To feel. I constantly refer to my younger self as 'him.' Its hard to
remember your past in any logical way other than that of the third person. I
love him. I don't want to betray him. His wishes were my wishes. His dreams
were my dreams. I swore to myself, I always swore to myself, that no matter
what occured, I would follow his dreams, his fantasies, never mine.

He wanted to move out on his own to Los Angeles. I moved out on my own to
Los Angeles. He wanted to be a nice person. I am a nice person. He never
wanted to be a show off or concieted. I am as modest as humanly possible and
if I do something good the first thing i try to do is hide it.

He decided that it was his mission to save the world.  He decided he would
start a shelter for abandon kittens and puppies. He wanted to fall in love.
So i'm sitting here, I haven't a clue how to go about saving the world, I'm
affraid to adopt a kitten because I've killed all my plants, and I just got
off the phone with another guy who says that we can't be together for
[insert reason here]. So i'm sitting here, smoking a cigarette, feeling the
xanax kicking in, knowing, not just thinking, that I've betrayed him.

If I could go back ten years and talk with him, tell him what's to come, I
would tell him to stop dreaming. He thought dreams were what kept you alive.
I thought dreams were what kept you alive. Dreams don't keep you alive, they
just keep you occupied.

-Mr. Kelly Ryan McGuire, still trying to remember why he learned to speak

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.             Listen, this is pish, I think I'll leave
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