Sinister: Are you scared to get sappy?

[poetryplace2]

Alright!

For some time I have longed to "leak" something to sinister, and now I have
a burst pipe you might find of interest. Pay attention: this is good stuff.

When I first heard the mysterious word "sha-la-la" I felt the kind of
thrill that can toast your eyebrows. As a seasoned "hipster" I like to keep
a beady eye out for "the Next Big Thing". Turn your back for a moment, take
your eye of the bouncing ball that is POP for a moment and you find that
the "Next Big Thing" has hit you upside the head like a can of tuna thrown
by the paperboy. This leaves you in the mud on your knees, seeing little
cartoon birds and needing to take your brand new black Muji corduroys to
the dry cleaners, during which time the "Next Big Thing" has become "Old
Hat". Bah!

Committed to keeping my finger firmly on the throbbing vein of POP, I
resolved to get on Sha-la-la by any means necessary. But how??? I own many
records by Men With Beards. Some of these records contain guitar solos that
could uncurl the hair in Brad's afro. Quite a few of them refer to
relations with girls that extend beyond holding hands. As we know, all
these things are strictly VERBOTTEN by the obergruppenfuhrers of Twee.
Curses. I knew I would have to devise a fiendish plan...

I arranged to meet my good buddy, the metrosexual gadabout and heir to the
MB Games millions, Jasper Buckaroo. As readers if Meg Matthews'
scintillating Sunday Times Diary will know, Jasper is strictly A-List. Nary
a celebrity Fondue Party in Peckham passes without an appearance from the
famed Illegible Batchelor. It is whispered along the corridors of power
that Jasper's failure to attend the launch party for "Young and Foolish" is
the reason for the books otherwise unaccountable absence from the
best-sellers list.

Settling down on the expansive futon chez Buckaroo, I explained my dilemma.
Jasper, as always, was the very model of accommodation. Booting up his lime
and fuschia executive Imac, we fired off an enquiry to the mysterious
headquarters of Sha-la-la. Within seconds Jasper's in-box was bulging. "Not
for the first time, deary", he quipped with the characteristic wit that has
seen him dubbed the Charles Hawtrey de nos jours. And lo! there was the
invitation to join the list that is quite literally on everyone's lips:

"Dear Mr Buckaroo

Thankyou for joining the Sha-la-la digest. During your stay please can you
respect the list rules at all times:

NO RUNNING
NO BOMBING
NO PETTING
NO LAUGHING
NO GIRLS

hugs and kissies
Neily-Weely
xxooxxxooo"

Success! I rubbed my hands in sublime satisfaction. Little did I realise
the Pandora's Box I was opening. What fresh hell had we here?

TOMORROW: I BLOW THE LID ON THE SHADOWY CARTEL WHO RUN POP

Stevie Trousers
_______________

PS: Listees of the pachydermal persuasion will remember the smoking quiz I
set some time in the 17th century. Winners will be announced tomorrow.

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