Sinister: Panto time

[Chris Leonard]

WOTCHA!

What, with Christmas looming and Santa and his wee helpers in full
preperation mode, I thought it would be nice if all 819 of us went to a
pantomime together.  But that's not really a viable option is it though?
 I mean some of us live in Thailand for goodness sake.  So instead, I
have written a little pantomime that we can all enjoy together in our
collective brain of love.   

Merry Christmas Everybody,
   Christopher  xxx


PANTO
=======
CHARACTERS

STRUAN MURDOCH	:  Dorothy
ISOBEL	      :  Toto
STEPHEN PASTEL	:  Wicked Witch
BRAD			:  Cowardly Lion

SCENE 1: 
A dreary farmyard in Glasgow.  A young girl playing with her little
panto dog

STRUAN:  Ow Toto, you'we so siwwy.  I wove you more than anything in the
whole wide world.  You'we the only one who weally understands me.

Toto jumps up and licks Dorothy's face.  Dorothy licks back.  Toto
licks.  Dorothy licks it some more.  So does Toto.

ISOBEL:  Woof.
STRUAN:  Hoho, you're wovely Toto.  I wish we could go away somwhere
else, where we would belong.  Somewhere ovaw the wainbow!  <sings
#somewhere ovaw the wainbow ...etc>
ISOBEL:  Woof.
STRUAN:  Let's wun away, Toto

The two tan it off the stage.  Stage lights dim.

SCENE 2: 
Out in the country in the middle of nowhere.  A derilect AMK van lies
rusty and minging.  Wind effects signify that it is very very windy
indeed.

STRUAN:  OOOOO!  A twister!!!  Oh no!  Come Toto, let us hide in this
disused wed AMK van.
ISOBEL:  Woof.

The two hide in the disused red AMK van.   A large cardboard box hits
Struan on the head, knocking him out cold.  

Lights dim.   Various windy effects signify the flight of the red AMK
van over the rainbow.

SCENE 3:
Spotlight on Dorothy, center stage

STRUAN:  Oh Toto, what happened?  I feel a wittle quesy.  Are you ok my
wittle doggie willy wawmar?
ISOBEL:    Woof.
STRUAN: Oh Toto, Something gives me the feeling we're not in Glasgow
anymore.  Ooooooo!

The two get out the van.  Lights up.  Ooo colourful now we're in
Munchkinland.   There is a couple of green shoes sticking out under the
van.  A red puff of smoke appears!  POOF!!  The wicked witch appears
from behind the smoke

STEPHEN PASTEL:  YA BASTARD!  Y'eve had ma sister ya wee jobbie.  I'll
fucking smash you ma pretty, and your wee dog too!
STRUAN:  Oooo!

The wicked witch disappears in another poof of smoke.

STRUAN:  Ooo Toto, we'we weally in big twouble now!  We've killed a
witch and we've annoyed another one.  I want to go home and have a
wovely cup of tea.

A lion jumps out from behind the van.

BRAD:  RARR MUTHAFUCKA!  I KICK YOUR ASS!  SACK OF DICK!

Straun and Isobel cower

BRAD:  SHEEIT YOU MUMMA SO FAT!  I KICK YOUR ASS!  SACK OF DICK!
STRUAN:  eh,,,eh, sowwy mr lion, i don't think we've met properly
BRAD:    AN WE AINT GONNA EITHER  I'M GONNA EAT YOU UP MUTHAFUCKA DAMN
CRAZY FOOL.
ISOBEL:  Woof.

Toto bites the lions tail.

BRAD:  SHEEEIT, WHATCHA GO AN DO THAT FOR?  JESUS H THAT HURT.  

The lion starts to cry.

STRUAN:  Aw don't cry lion.  You'we nothing but a big coward.  You
shouldn't buwwy people smaller than you.
BRAD:  Damn right.   I'm sorry dude.  I'm just a big coward.  <sings
"I've I only had the nerve">
The lion starts to cry.  Dorothy and Toto give him a cuddle.
STRUAN:  Let's go home everybody.

The wicked witch appears again in a big poof of smoke.

STEPHEN PASTEL:  And how are you going to manage that ya wee prick.  Eh?
 I'm gonna kill you.  

The lion pounces and rips her head off, then claws at her chest till her
insides are all over the stage.  Then he smears the blood all over his
torso whilst screaming "HIMLER".

STRUAN:  Very well done lion.  Look, that was weally weally bwave of
you.  Your not a coward anymore!
BRAD:  Hey man, neither I am.  I'm all better thanks to you Dorothy, and
little Toto.  Cheers man, I mean it.
STRAUN:  You'we vewy vewy welcome my bwave fweind.  But how will me and
Toto get home?

The lion pounces and scoffs the pair of them.

BRAD:  Sack of dick.

Curtains down.    WAH HAH HAH (like the devil)
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