Sinister: Spreading the Gospel (peeling the paint)

[Chris Butler]

At 01:55 PM 12/5/98 -0500, Marty wrote:
>Well, finally someone on the list who can help me not feel so old!!!!!  I
>have been married for 6 years, and we have 1 and 8/9ths kids.  My 20-month
>old likes B&S, but she likes Barney, too.  Must be my wife's influence...

well, while i don't know the average age on the list,
i'm feeling both old and young at 29 - 30 in january.
the 30 thing makes me reflect on similar old thoughts 
to yours...  how i'd be 30 at the turn of the century.

for all the responsibility i've accumulated, i don't
feel that old in some respects.  i still kinda float
about, write cryptic lyrics and entwine sound mazes in music, 
have ramen lunches, and read the dostoevyski, murakami, 
bulgakovs of the world.  i can still do several chin-ups.
in that respect nothing's changed since 16.

i still wanna change the world.  i'm just more rational
about how.  somehow that seems like the worst thing in
the world to me - not that the dream has died, but that
the vivid color of yesteryear has paled to the 256 tones
that i believe i can paint with today and the few walls
that i'll let myself paint upon.

i'm not a painter on any day but yesterday in that regard.
i have no regrets, but only thing i wish i hadn't lost
with age is my naivete'.  it's a reverse colorization 
process and despite my love of black and white, i'm 
feeling the timber of gray is felling too many trees
soundlessly in my forest today.

enough personal droning.  this feels the equiv of 'crapps
last tape' with much less focus.  stop. rewind. play.

man named Pants <- delta, meaningless without the sea
                          ^
PS: there's a math eq in that worth explaining.  metaphors
    sometimes run true without specifying the object.
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