Sinister: Sinister Tales

[joss]

Belle & Sebastian: the forgotten protagonists.
part one of an occasional series - 'my crippled friend'

One bright and sunny day, Frank decided to go for a walk to the butchers,
despite his crippled leg. It was so nice out, after all.  He didn't want to
buy anything, he was just going to look, for they had the finest selection
of meats in all of town. Off he went, hobbling along merrily when all of a
sudden he saw an elderly gentleman standing in his way. The elderly
gentleman, despite his many and ancient years, fired a stone in Frank's
direction.
The stone flew past Frank's ears leaving him aghast. "Do not throw your
stone at me, for I have a crippled leg!", he told the elderly gent. The
gent looked to the ground in shame and Frank, feeling vindicated, continued
on his meaty errand.
As he passed the post office, he saw a young man wearing boxing gloves. His
face lit up as he recognised the man as his young friend Struan, out
walking his dad for the day. "Hello there, young Struan", said Frank, but
the young man said not a thing. Instead, he popped a jab in Frank's
direction, almost knocking the golden filling from his jippy molar. Frank
stared at his young assailant in disbelief before admonishing him thusly:
"Don't pop a jab at me, young Struan, for I have a crippled leg!"
Frank got away quickly, for it seemed that Struan had moved to kick his
crutches. And that would never do. Frank was almost at the butchers,
wondering allowed what had become of his lovely day, when he saw a poor
beggar by the roadside. In an effort to improve his dreadful luck via the
gift of the beatles' karma, he limped over to the poor beggar, for to give
him a crown. As he leaned towards the beggars upturned hat, he heard a
nasty sound from the begging throat. Then a huge lungful of gob emerged
from twixt the beggarlips and hit Frank - full in the face!
Frank turned to the beggar in disgust saying: "Do not spit at me Mr.
Beggar, for I have a crippled leg!"
So the beggar smote him with a leg-iron and Frank dropped to the floor.
"For why did you do such a thing?" said Frank through the use of his
penultimate breath.
"Because I wanted to be on TV's Esther Rantzen", replied the beggar,
setting off for the BBC's Birmingham studios.

"For why did you smite the cripple man, Beggar?", shouted TV's Esther
Rantzen gustily to the approval of her family audience family.
"I love you, Esther", gasped the beggarman then through a veil of tears.
And so Esther forgave the beggar and brought him on holidays to her caravan
in Wales, where, for many days and nights, they stayed up making babies.
One of them may possibly have had a gammy leg.


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