Sinister: Xmas Lunch

[Adrian Evans]

The poetry parrot has just turned up on my doorstep absolutely
shit-faced, sent home in disgrace from his xmas party after an appauling
display of jannerism.

Here's what he had to say for himself.

twas the night before christmas and shit was it neat.
the kids were both gone and my wife was in heat.
the doors were all bolted the phone off the hook
it was time for some nooky by hook or by crook

mom in her teddy and I in the nude
had just hit the bedroom and reached for the lube
when out on the lawn there arose such a cry
that I lost my boner and momma went dry

up to the window I sprang like an elf
tore back the shade while she played with herself
the moon was so bright that it lit up the yard
the place was a mess something hit it real hard

when what to my wondering eyes should appear
but a crooked old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer
with a fat little driver half out of his sled
a sock in his ear and a bra on his head

sure as im speaking he was as high as a kite
and he yelled to his team but it didn't sound right
whoa shithead whoa asshole whoa stupid whoa putz
fuckin slow down this rig or I'll cut off your nuts

over the lamp post and don't hit that tree
quit shaking the sleigh cause I gotta go pee
they cleared the old lamp post the tree got a rub
just as santa leaned out and threw up in the shrub

and then from the roof came a hell of a splatter
as each little reindeer now emptied his bladder
I was donning my jacket to cover my ass
when down through the chimney he came with a crash

his suit was all soaking with perfume galore
he looked like a bum and smelled like a whore
that was some cathouse he said with a smile
the reindeer are pooped so I'll hang for awhile

he walked to the kitchen and poured up a drink
then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink
I started to laugh my wife smiled with glee
the old boy was hung nearly down to his knee

back in the den santa reached in his sack
but his toys were all gone and some new things were packed
the first thing he found was a black leather whip
next were some x-rated video clips

a box full of condoms was Santas next find
and a six pack of panties 'the edible kind'
a bra without nipples a penis extension
and boxes of goodies I won't even mention

a cock ring a g-string and all types of oil
and a dildo so long that it lay in a coil.
this stuff ain't for kids mrs.santa would shit
if you don't mind I'll leave it all here when I split

he filled every stocking and then took his leave
with one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve
he sprang to his sleigh but his feet were like lead
and he fell on his buttocks and broke wind instead

he cursed and got up and climbed into his hitch
lets go ya varmits the nights been a bitch
the shuddering lurch slammed him back in his chair
and he let out a belch as they took to the air

bending the lamp post and raking the tree
he bounced off a rooftop and finally got free
im comin home woman! he sang with a smirk
so grab both your ankles and pull up you skirt!!
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