Sinister: is it wicked when you're smiling,even though you feel like crying (JOY! ANOTHER SONGQUOTEAPPLIEDTOMYLIFE!!!!are you impressed yet?)

[rebelstrange at xxx.Miller]

i said i wouldn;t post but now i am, because i've just been crying over
something beautiful that christa wrote, and i'm  freezing and i  have been
wiping my eyes on the wine colored nightgown, and  i'm feeling very puzzled
about myself.  so here i go, putting on the brave face again.  tears of a
clown blah blah, thats my life, i'm a sad cliche.   i'm  sorry my last post
was so negative, but then again i'm not, cos i felt that way when i  wrote
it.  i just wanted to make it  clear that i'm not the dippy ninny i'm sure i
appear to be  to some individuals, no  names cos i dont' know  you, i'm just
sure that you are out there.  but here it is.    i like to laugh and i
assume that others do as well, so i felt accepted here and have met so many
wonderful ones that i wouldn't dream of leaving unelss it was absolutely
painful to remain.    this isn't making any sense. wait a minute.  i go on
about stupid things sometimes.  you have to understand that whenever i am
crying and i feel my life is in a shambles, i watch tapes of mystery science
theater over and over again, cos it's the only thing that makes it go away.
i'm NOT an obsessed maniac who thinks people in a band are superhuman and
who worships them like gods.   it just happens that there are pivotal things
in my mind right now and the music of *aforementioned* happens to coincide
and aid in defining this, whatever changes i feel i am  going through.  My
trip to DC to see them was a revelation. and not just the concert part, or
because isobel was hot, or stuart was a cutie, whatever the hell.  it was a
lot more than that. it was being with a true friend  who really understands
what i feel, and beign able to cry together because stars of  track and
field was so fucking  incredibly gorgeous, and seeing the chances and
symmetry that fate unfolded upon us like a mystery.   it was finding beauty
and inspiration in a pretty girl and feeling for once the feelings that i
thought had died in me, out of  bitter betrayal and disappointment.  it was
romance with being alive and loving and swallowing every minute that was put
before us, and finding the magic in all of this, and  sharing in some
beautiful words that just happened to be created by members of the human
race named belle and sebastian.   the soundtrack of my life at critical
moments.   you have to understand that when i hear isobel's  voice it gives
me goosebumps.  no sure, it's weak, sure it's  girly, sure it's small, but
it's something that makes me smile for one more day and maybe cry once in a
while, moments  captured that are priceless to me.  maybe i  express it a
little  bit strangely sometimes.  i can't help that i have the urge to
create ridiculous things and say  stranger things but it is more than that.
It's not ONLY this or that, it's not  surface obsession, it's something way
beyond this.  can i help it if i want to  be happy for once in my life, just
laugh adn not care about appearances??  with people who enjoy and understand
some of the same things?  that's why i am here. i know i'm relatively new
but for once i felt  welcomed like i could walk into a neighborhood pub and
have people yell out my name, and laugh with me, and not at me-- which is
what i have been used to.  so i'm sorry if  i got a little bent out of
shape.  it's not only that, and it's not  only what *soandso* said, whoever
that may be.  it's just me and i get emotional and don't know how to deal
with things that people  say.  so i'm sorry for furthering the nonsense.
  like someone was saying to me, it's like  arguing  with real life
friends, it's so real. maybe i am sad and lonely.  so.  i just try the  best
i can. and i can admit if i've made a mistake.  if i've overstepped my
bounds i can step back and grant you that admission.
i just wanted to say exactly what i am feeling and cut away from the anger
and the nonsense and the knee jerk reactions that happen when i am
embarrassed or upset.  if you didnt' care what i had to say, then i
apologize for clogging up your mailbox, you can just delete me if you'd
like, it's your prerogative god knows.  i just wanted to  explain why i was
so upset  about whatever it was that   happened, i'm not even trying to
remember what it was.  just that i hate to be misunderstood as some sort of
pathetic tired  jester, when there is so much more to what motivates me and
all of us here.  i'm not  asking for a pat on the head or for anyone to
censor their ideas for little me andmy inflated ego. i just wanted to put
forth the reasons that i feel that way.   because sometimes when i hear
"belle and sebastian" i just burst into  tears, because it makes me  fear
for how i'm goign to end up someday, adn i feel just like poor sebastian,
the girl he adores is a glamor queen and there are tons of better boys
lining up at her feet, and she's so caught up in it she  barely seems to
realize that he's  falling apart for her sake, and there doestn' seem to be
much left to do but crash the car, what is there to lose??    so in the
meanwhile, i try to laugh. because it's all i can do and it comforts me ever
so much, i'm caught between the ridiculous and the heartbreaking,
perpetually.  it's all that i can say.  apologies for anyone who was bored
by this.  i'm not  going away i'm just cooling off.  rightfully or not, i
felt like a little girl who has  had her lego castle kicked over by a big
boy. and reacted accordingly. the blame is on me for that much.

hugsxxxto archel, well what did you expect, everyone loves to be cuddled now
and then and i'm no  exception, i'll admit i'm soft and longing for strokes,
i'm human after all.

extra love to everyone, we'll need it for the holiday, and dont' fear please
that the world is going  down, its' just having growing pains you must
understand, humans dont'  take easily to change, adn change is what is
going on, not destruction.  there has  been war for thousands of years. if
only we can start to change the way people think.  war is so pointless. why
do people argue about possessions and history? history is dead. look at  us,
were'r living all over the world adn we are united by the love of wonderful
music.  there is nothing to  fear when you realize the mistakes that have
been made, were  all senseless and can be unlearned in you and me.  xxxxtra
love to  bunnies and kittens and dapper gentlemen with polite manners, and
to the shiny apple posse which in time will plaster the next century with
messages of love and gifts for lonely souls.
twee, sensitive, cheesy, idiotic, bashful, naive, cliched, faux-mystical,
admitted.  but we must keep on living.  if we all worried about not being
Hip enough, we may as well all crash our cars, so BOO! to mean hipsters.
very humbly yours
lesleyjo
"he is my friend cos he is the trend/i love my boyfriend"

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