Sinister: Mystic Tag

[Tag]

Hello,

Now then, I love a bit of nostalgia, just not all the time.  Lets' see
what the future holds.  I promised this to some of you ages ago, but
it's only recently that the stars have spoken, and now, based on a
combination of the Boys Own Bumper Book of Astrology, true life
experiences and my own strange mystical powers, I am able to tell what
this future of which I speak holds for you.  I would like to point out
that in no way is this complete bollocks that I made up as I went
along.

ARIES:

Now you are a tasty one.  Good looking, witty and intelligent with a
cute little wiggle to send your peers wild with desire.  This year and
every year belongs to you, because you're swell.  If you're a girl,
you should continue sending pornography to hapless bass players, it's
sure to pay off sooner or later.

IDEAL MATCH:  Spoilt for choice really, so chose carefully.  No, sod
it, sleep around and enjoy it.

OTHER ARIANS:  Marlon Brando, Julie Christie, Serge Gainsbourg.

TAURUS:

Stubborn, tight-fisted, and forever stuffing their faces.  That's not
me tallking, that's what the book says.  Still you're a loyal, cosy
kind of person, who likes their creature comforts.  Maybe that's why
you get marriage proposals from extremely tall strangers from Leeds.
All you need is love, money and good old fashioned home cooking and
everything in your garden will be roses.

IDEAL MATCH:  Cancer, Capricorn

OTHER TAUREANS:  Isobel Campbell, Tony Blair, Queen Liz

GEMINI:

Yack, yack, yack, you've got more rabbit than Sainsbury's ... for
God's sake shut up for a minute and listen.  Oh yes, you are one of
the literatti, you can talk your way into and out of anything, but you
wouldn't know passion if it ran up and ravished you.  Give it some
ooh-la-la, buy yourself some leather and latex and get jiggy wid it.

IDEAL MATCH:  Libra, Aquarius

OTHER GEMINIANS:  Morrissey, Steffi Graf, Noel Gallagher

CANCER:

Hey crosspatch, stop sulking and listen.  It's all very well living in
the past and keeping your feelings bottled up, but surely it's time to
put away childish things and get outside in the sunshine.  As a
sensitive soul your lot in life is to be a shoulder to cry on, but it
takes guts to be gentle and kind, and who knows, you might even get a
snog out of it.

IDEAL MATCH:  Taurus, Pisces

OTHER CRABS:  Steven Spielberg, Neil Tennant, Princess Diana

LEO:

You are one big poseur.  You're the one at parties who calls everyone
dwarling and is constantly looking in the mirror.  Having said that,
you are one suave, well-dressed sonofabitch, and a career on the
stage, or maybe as a supermodel surely awaits.  A Manchester United
season ticket does not, however, you wee glory hunting bastard.  

IDEAL MATCH:  Aries, Sagitarrius

OTHER LEOS:  Richard Coburn, Madonna, Alfred Hitchcock

VIRGO:

Now as the traditionally chaste sign of the zodiac, you may not get a
lot of booty, but that sure as hell doesn't stop the strange pleasure
you get out of watching and writing about other people's little
foibles and fetishes.  And very good at it you are too, but don't be
the least bit surprised if someone finds what you've been writing
about them and gives you a good slapping.  Or maybe you'd like that...

IDEAL MATCH:  Capricorn, Taurus

OTHER VIRGOS:  Stuart Murdoch, Michael Jackson, Jarvis Cocker

LIBRA:

You dithering ninny.  Oh shall I do this?  Or shall I do that?  Shall
I use this bucket or shall I throw up all over my keyboard?  Do us all
a favour, make a decision and then use this legendary wit and charm
that we've all heard so much about to keep the heart of that
mysterious American girl you're hiding away.  Oh, and for God's sake
have a pint.

IDEAL MATCH:  Gemini, Libra

OTHER LIBRANS:  Chris Geddes, Oscar Wilde, Brigitte Bardot

SCORPIO:

Now if you could just stop thinking about shagging all the time, you
might be OK.  I recommend cold showers or bromide in your tea, then
maybe you can stop thinking with your bits and enjoy life.

IDEAL MATCH:  Frankly, Pisces are the only ones daft enough to put up
with you.  Either that or lock yourself in a cupboard with a fellow
Scorp and stop trying to cop off with the rest of us.

OTHER SCORPIOS:  Winona Ryder, Prince Charles, Demi Moore

SAGITTARIUS:

Ah yes, Sagitarrius ... always gadding about to some far off shore.
Now you girls may have had admirable taste in men at some time in your
life, and you boys might write poetry to touch the hardest soul, but
... can you keep a secret? ... can you bollocks.  Sort this
unfortunate behaviour out and the world, as they say, is your oyster.
None of the above applies to Swedish Sagitarrians who rule, have great
boobs and can cuddle me anytime.

IDEAL MATCH:  Aries, Aquarius

OTHER SAGS:   Mick Cooke, Woody Allen, Jane Birkin

CAPRICORN:

A lot of people say you're terribly boring, and have no sense of
humour whatsoever, but this is obviously not true.  You can look
forward to a year of dazzling people at parties with your encylopaedic
pop trivia knowledge and your tasty collection of turtlenecks.  And of
course making sure all your possessions are meticulously filed in
alphanumerical order.

IDEAL MATCH:  Virgo, Taurus

OTHER GOATS:  Stuart David, Stevie Jackson, Dolly Parton

AQUARIUS:

Dear God, you're a nutter.  But it is the dawning of the age of
Aquarius, they say.  If you're a boy, maybe you'll find love with
someone across the Atlantic, with a girl who'll be charmed by your
Johnny Mathis impressions.  Or you'll continue to slut yourself about
demanding that complete strangers have your babies.  If you're a girl,
and in a band, well, can I recommend a nice Aries boy.

IDEAL MATCH:  Gemini, Libra, oh, and Aries of course

OTHER AQUARIANS:  Sarah Martin, Vic Reeves, Ian Monkeyface Brown

PISCES:

You big soppy lovable pussycat.  You may be utterly hopeless and
incapable of living with any concept of reality, but you can always
rely on the fact that people will come up to you, pat you on the head
and say 'Awwwww, aren't you sweet?'.  But what the hell are you doing
surfing the net on your birthday?  You really should get out more.

IDEAL MATCH:  Scorpio, Cancer

OTHER FISHES:  Juliette Binoche, Frankie Howerd, Mikael Gorbachev

Keep watching the skies,

Love
Tag xx
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
.     This message was brought to you by the Sinister mailing list.
.        To send to the list please mail "sinister at majordomo.net".
.  For subscribing, unsubscribing and other list information please see
.            http://www.majordomo.net/sinister
. For questions about how the list works mail owner-sinister at majordomo.net
.    We're all happy bunnies humming happy bunny tunes.  Aren't we?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------