Sinister: Room to let

[Tag]

It has come to my attention that Julian Fuckface wrote:

>Ha!
>
>He`s in the bath and for once I`ve managed to get my hands on his
>`laptop`. Apparently, all you fools are taken in by his pathetic cocky
>swagger, and so, as his flatmate of 18 *long* months (I'M NOT GAY), I
>feel it is my duty to tell the whole disgusting truth about the boy
>Robert.

Of course, none of you believe this, do you?

>1	FRAUD: He always goes on about how he is half Scottish,but he
>neglects to mention that he is also half Stoke-ish.And he was born in
>Birmingham.

That's no secret.

>2	MIDGET: He takes size 4 (FOUR) shoes and has to buy them from
>the childrens department.Yuk.

See, I'm cute...

>Not to mention the hideous ginger hair. Twat.

For this read, my beautiful golden locks.

>3	POOF:  He supports Manchester City, not for the love of the
>team, but because blue is his favourite colour.

It's actually because Kinkladze's got nice buns.

>4	WANKER:  Sometimes,when I`m late leaving the house for work,he
>surprises me by still being in the living room and shouts joyfully
>`Alright Squire?!`

Oh fuck off.

>5	EXHIBITIONIST:  When he has a bath, he always leaves the door
>open, hoping that I`ll walk in on him soaping himself (and his
>sinister feet) in his Body Shop Strawberry Body Balm.

My, what a vivid imagination.

>6	HARINGAY:  To make more `friends` on the list, he contemplated
>calling himself `The Earl of Chorltonville`.

What can this mean?  I don't understand.

>7	STUDENT: He has a picture of Steve Lamacq on the living room
>wall-and refuses to remove it.

Very true, no-one wears DMs and says 'whoop' with quite the same
finesse as our favourite indie-guru.

>8 	DEVIANT:  He really fancies Emmy-Kate from Kenickie and
>Manda-Rin from Bis.  He is also partial to hairy armpits and sweat.

You're saying this like it's a bad thing....and you forgot leather
trousers.

>9	CHILD:  He insists on using words like `boobs` and `willy`
>when any real man uses words like 'tits' and 'cock'.

Poo-hole.

>10	DAILY MAIL READER:  He really loves `gentle` sit-coms of a
>sunday evening,like `You rang M`Lud` and `Oh, Dr. Beeching`.

Now that one really hurts.

>11	IRRITATING:  I can hear him snore from 3 rooms away, 

Only to drown out the sound of vomiting from the bathroom.

>and sometimes it even wakes me up.

... disturbs your nocturnal fantasies, you mean.

>12 	LANDLORD:  He charges me £35 rent a week, although, after
>this, I don`t think I`ll need to worry about that anymore.

I think you may be right.  Anyone want to take him off my hands, he's
housetrained, well, after a fashion ... and if you don't mind a
drunken fool singing along with Lovejoy's rendition of 'Avalon' at 4
a.m., practically crying (like a girl) when his beloved Port Vale sold
his favourite player - winger 'Super' John McCarthy, telling you
repeatedly about his copy of Tigermilk .... he'll be in a cardboard
box by Chorlton Street Bus Station, near the prostitutes, as always.
And like Paul 'Gary Glitter' Mitchell, he's *very* fond of children.

Yours, living alone at last,

Tag
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