Sinister: The REAL story of Sebastian and Belle the singer

[Nick Dastoor]

Reid asked:


>Is that Isobel? And it only looks like her from other
>pictures because she has short blonde hair. But whoever it is...oh,
>MY! I feel a little dizzy...

I'm really sorry to break this to everyone but Isobel doesn't really
exist as such.  Actually, none of the band do.  Stuart Murdoch just
made them up when no one took his one man band seriously. The final
straw came when he was laughed out of Stephen Pastel's living room
after sneaking into one of his Glasgow celeb impromptu jams.  The worm
turned.  He began to spread the rumour that he'd found some great
friends who could play a variety of instruments.  It all began to get
out of control when his rigging of the Stow College student vote
resulted in attention that would necessitate live appearances.  After
rejecting the life-size models of the band in clay option as too much
like hard work, he panicked and went out and kidnapped the first six
street urchins he came across.

As local church warden, the evil Murdoch found a suitably soundproof
hiding place down in the crypt, where he keeps the children chained up
subject to unspeakable acts involving Murdoch's collection of arab
straps and assorted sado-masochistic paraphernalia.  They don't scream
anymore.  His campaign of terror has been so fiendish that the poor
little innocents have been led to believe that any attempt at escape
will only result in them falling into the hands of the spectre of
wicked uncle and aunt 'David & Katrina'.

As for pretty 'Isobel', yes that is her in the NME photo.  BUT ONLY
AFTER EXTENSIVE FACIAL RECONSTRUCTION. No wonder you didn't recognise
her.  That press shot of her in the surgical mask - that's not some
arty prank, you know.  The wee thing just wasn't pretty enough for the
Mad Murdoch's sick fantasy of what a band should look like.  Word has
it 'Chris' is next for the scalpel.  Apparently it wasn't enough that
his jacket and hair resembled Johnny Marr's - he's got to look
IDENTICAL IN EVERY DETAIL.

Come on, you must have had your suspicions.  The lack of press
interviews, the obscure publicity shots, the sinister album titles. 
Surely none of you fell for that totally implausible 'we all met in an
all night cafe, where we found we shared a love of Ladybird books'
story?

Nick
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