Sinister: Where D'you Go?

[Andrewnic]

The following tale contains a slight B&S reference, but is mostly self-
indulgent toss.

The Andrew - Kim Challenge Cup. Quarter Final. First Leg.

Of late, I've been getting on famously with a pretty young lass who is an
undergrad working part-time in our A/V department. We've been out a few times
with other people from the office, but we went out together for the first time
on Saturday.

After pubbin' and clubbin' her (as in dancing in a dark room, not going
neanderthal-style with a blunt instrument - although that was Plan B) I
decided to treat her to a keeebab from Edinburgh's premiere keeebab retailer
(Who says I'm not a laydeez man? 1 - nil).

We were walking along Melville Drive (well staggering more than walking. With
a bit of lurching, too) when it started snowing. The Meadows were already
coated with a light dusting of powder snow. We had just reached the first
walkway. Then it happened.

Peering through the night sky, full of large flakes of snow, I saw it. A fox!
In the snow! Through my drunken haze, I decided a few appropriate words would
be in order.

"A fox... In... IN THE BLARDY SNOW!", I cried (in my best Michael Caine voice.
2 - nil. Not everybody gets my Michael Caine on a first date).

This innocent statement had two Surprising Effects.

1. My Laydee Friend. Eyes wide. Mouth Open. Full of 'bab. (2 - 1. Amazing)

2. The Fox. First, there was fear. Similar facial expression to laydee friend.
As if it had just heard the hunting horn echoing across the hills. The
hoofbeat of the cantering horses. The barks and howls of the nearing pack of
hounds. Then, there was something else, something unexpected. Speed. And lot's
of it.

The fox turned and pegged it faster than I have ever seen a creature move
before. What followed was exactly like a scene out of Disney's loveable
animated feature "The Fox and the Hound". Except entirely different. And with
the word "Fuck" in it.

The furry orange fiend flew across the walkway, right in front of a girl on
her bicycle. (This is where the rude word comes in, so avert your eyes if you
are easily offended).

"WHAT THE FUCK!!!", the girl exclaimed, whilst applying the brakes. This had
an entirely unsurprising effect. The bike turned, leaned and continued it's
journey on it's side. Without the girl. Meanwhile, the fox was half way to
George Square.

The commotion had by this time attracted the attention of a patrolling police
car. As I was helping the poor girl (who was uninjured, but shaken. No, not
shaken... what's the word? Angry. Yep. Angry.) to her feet, we were joined by
PC Lester and WPC Minto. We were then subjected to a harsh interrogation.
Okay, not an interrogation. A conversation. But it was harsh. Well, the
weather was harsh.

WPC MINTO: What happened?
ANDREW (Our hero): A fox.
WPC MINTO: A fox?
ANDREW: A fox... happened. A blardy fox.
KIM (Laydee friend): It ran out. In front of the bike. Dead fast.
WPC MINTO: Where did it come from?
ANDREW: Dunno. Something must've startled it.
KIM: Like a car. Or something. (2 All. Nice penalty save)
PC LESTER: Did you see it?
ANDREW: What?
PC LESTER: The fox running across the road?
ANDREW: Dunno. I was eating me 'bab. Want some?

Anyway, to cut a long story too long, we were cleared of any involvement in
the incident. But the fox is wanted in five countries on two continents. For
standing on clear mints.

As for me, all went well (as if you care). Was a complete gentleman - walked
her home. Got a snog in the stairwell (a double entendre in there, surely). We
went to the cinema on Sunday.

Result: Panel decision. Away win.

Looking forward to the return leg. It may be against our better judgement, but
we're going to the zoo.

Andrew (with thanks to Kim for filling in the blanks)

PS. Sorry 'bout the football references. Tried curling, but couldn't get away
from the "In the house"/MC Hammer/Baggy trouser with huge crotch area
references.
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