Sinister: Fwd: Titanic rewritten

Wed Mar 4 01:18:03 GMT 1998

>>Many of you have seen the film "Titanic," which is about a great big
>>boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everyone is
>> just now getting worked up about. Some of you - I am speaking to the
>>women here - have seen this movie several times. And I would like to
>>know why.
>> Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to
>>you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if you
>>see it
>> again? Do you think this is a "Choose Your Own Adventure" movie?
>>Because it's not.   No matter how many times you see it, the boat is
>>going to sink, and
>> thesame people are going to die, including the guy who falls and whacks
>> his noggin on the railing on the way down.
>>I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking of the
>>Titanic
>> took only four hours; the movie is easily three times that long. (Note
>> to reader: From the following choices, select the
>>"this-movie-is-too-long"
>> line you like best and go with it.) Savings bonds have matured in less
>>time
>> than it takes to watch this movie. Many marriages do not last as long
>>as
>> this movie. I had to shave twice during this movie. Three Eastern
>>European
>> nations (Izikikstan, Checher, and Zknkkmnzxxk) were formed while
>>I was watching this movie.As a public service, then, I am offering my
>>much-shortened
>>screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free to use as the
>>script for a shorter version of "Titanic." All I want in return is a lot
>>of
>>money.
>> (Scene 1)
>> KATE WINSLET: Why, this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
>> KATE'S WEASELLY FIANCE: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you
>> asked for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will
>>amount to nothing.
>>KATE: Ha ha ha. That is very funny to our 90's audience,
>>because they know this priceless paintings will sink with the boat.
>>LEONARDO DICAPRIO: Hello, I'm Leonardo DiCaprio. Perhaps you have
>> seen the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are
>>very pretty.
>>KATE: Thank you. So are you.
>>LEONARDO: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put
>>on my "brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back
>>again and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking
>>wet.
>>KATE: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here
>>and looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until
>>the boat sinks and people start dying.
>> WEASELLY FIANCE: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even
>>though yousaved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat
>>you like  dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically
>>
>>abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really
>>hates
>>me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional, perhaps
>>I'll
>>throw an elderly person into the water.
>>AUDIENCE: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at
>>least a few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours,
>>and
>>plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore
>>we
>>hate you! Boo! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is coming
>>between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even though he
>>is
>>only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
>> ***
>> (Scene 2)
>> LEONARDO: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could
>>cheat on your fiance.
>> KATE: So am I. Even though I am engaged to him and have made a
>>commitmentto marry him, that is no reason why you and I cannot climb
>>into the
>>backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The fact that I am
>>the
>> heroine of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like audience
>>forgive
>>me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry indeed if my fiance
>>
>>were to do the same thing to me.
>> AUDIENCE: Darn straight we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
>> LEONARDO: I agree. First, I would like to draw you, though, so of
>>course you have to take off your clothes.
>>KATE:But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be
>>at all successful in say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might not
>>stand
>> for that sort of thing?
>> LEONARDO: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks
>> the film is in release, every single showing at Wynnsong Theater in
>>Provo will sell out.
>>NARRATOR: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is
>>exactly what happened.
>> KATE: All right, then. (sound of clothes hitting the floor)
>> ***
>> (Scene 3)
>>FIRST MATE: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
>>CAPTAIN: Great, I could use some ice for my drink. (sound of
>>drinking)
>> ICEBERG: (hits boat)
>> FIRST MATE: That can't be good.
>> CAPTAIN: Bottoms up!
>> AUDIENCE: (silence)
>> FIRST MATE: That was irony, you fools.
>> AUDIENCE: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
>> ***
>> (Scene 4)
>> LEONARDO: I have been informed that this boat is sinking
>> KATE: That is terrible
>> LEONARDO: Would you like to engage in some more
>>immoral-but-justified behavior?
>> KATE: Certainly.
>> WEASELLY FIANCE: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here:
>>(to Leonardo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my
>>morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-annoying-than-you personality,
>>I am going to handcuff you to this pipe, here in a room that will soon
>>be
>>filling withwater, due to the fact that we are sinking, which I believe
>>has
>>been mentioned previously.
>>LEONARDO: Why don't you just shoot me?
>>WEASELLY FIANCE: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape
>>and saveKate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway-
>>AUDIENCE: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
>>LEONARDO: He's right, though. I am doomed.
>>AUDIENCE: Aww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
>>WEASELLY FIANCE: I hate you people.
>> ***
>>(Scene 5)
>>150-YEAR-OLD-KATE: And that's when Leonardo rescued me from my
>>evil fiance and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if
>>it
>> hadn't been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual
>>lifeboat,  and not frozen my legs nearly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
>>dead
>>now, and  I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my
>>supper?
>>I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears hurt. You
>>kids
>> today, with your loud music. Why, when I was - hey! Don't you walk away
>>
>>from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee, if I had one.
>>I'll
>>beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come back here!
>>
>>  (Fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song.)
>>
>>--
>>Chad White
>>Check out my website!  http://www.umr.edu/~ctw/
>>I am trying to get more of my pictures put on as time permits....
>>shoe size: 11 (10 UK)
>>
>>
>>
>>______________________________________________________
>>Get Your Private, Free Email at http://www.hotmail.com
>>
>
>-----youngdp at cs.unca.edu----The Student Formerly Known as Dr. Dave-----
>  "The following sentence is false.  The preceding sentence is true."
>                        -Epimenides Paradox expanded by Douglas R.
>                         Hofstadter in GODEL, ESCHER, BACH
>                         (I can't do umlauts, okay?)
>
>
>
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