Sinister: Anagrams and Problems

[susannah]

First up, the answers to those anagrams:-
1) hot rum custard  = Stuart Murdoch
2) Bogart germ tract = Robert McTaggart
3) hot senses erupt = Stephen Trousse
4) lethal lip cum = Honey
5) avid art stud = Stuart David
6) a shot Ukraine = Katrina House
7) I mock coke = Mick Cooke
8) ample bible cellos = Isobel Campbell

And finally I have enough problems for my slot (well, no I don't so I *have*
made some up)

Dear Aunty,
I want to buy the soundtrack to Jackie Brown but I want to give the
impression that I've always been into that kind of music, and anyone who
hasn't is an arsehole.
What should I do?
Bobby Chariot

Dear Bobby, 
      It seems from your letter, that you're just trying to buy into 'cool' and
perhaps not interested in the music at all.
Trying to bluff being 'into' something aint easy as you'll soon find yourself in
deep water with a real fan and end up looking like a twat.
It is distinctly better to achieve credibility, not by being into something but
OVER it. When the subject of early 70's black soul is brought up in
conversation, simply apply any of the following phrases to attain instant
coolness:

'Used to play that stuff all the time. Liked it at first but take
it from  me, after a while you get bored of it.'

'Sold all those records years ago and exchanged them for something decent.'

'Oh god , not YOU as well, seems the whole worlds suddenly into soft soul. I'm
glad I'm over that phase.'

Alternatively Bobby, don't be such a sap. Trying to keep up with the trends at
your age is just laughable. Give it up.


Susannah, i have a problem. i talk too much shite
Sarah.

Sarah, I can't say I haven't noticed, but don't we all?
As long as you don't start typing 'peace man' at the end of your posts you'll be
alright.

Dear Aunty,
I find Keith Watson devillishly attractive and I wish to "make love" to him.
The trouble is, I don't know whether he is gay, bisexual, homosexual or
"straight".
How can I find out without resorting to idle speculation?
Frustrated, Brighton.
      
Right. If you don't want to mess about with  the softly softly approach to this
you've just got to get right on in there I'm afraid.
Suggest a late night walk in Kelvingrove Park to 'see the stars' and then take
him up the arse. He'll see stars all right. 
Sorted.

Dear Aunty,
      I am an arrogant miserable wanker and whats more, I relish it. Wheres the
problem with that?
Anon, Glasgow.

Well, there's nothing inherently *wrong* with that except like attracts like and
anyone who isn't a wanker themselves will be quickly repelled. So unless you
wish to spend your life in social isolation, which come to think of it is maybe
the best thing for you, you've got to sharpen up your image. Practice by
repeating a hundred times 'I want to have your babies'.

Thats all for now. 

xx






      



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