Sinister: Rock Family Twee

[poetryplace2]

Hello again

Hey, you know how on New Year's Day 2000 domestic appliances are going to
go nuts, and the simple act of switching on your toaster is going to
vaporise a city in North Korea? Well things have started going screwy
already. The other day I set my video to record "Fort Boyard", channel 5's
exciting new action quiz show featuring Melinda Messenger and Dirty Den.
However, for some scary technological reason, the video now thinks it is
the year 2020. Imagine my surprise when I played back the tape and found
the following...

Voiceover: And now on BBC52: Rock Family Twee. This week John Peel
investigates the turn-of-the-century Glasgow indie-pop scene...

John Peel (evidently speaking through some kind of Stephen Hawking
speech-sythesizer thingy as he must be about 100 by now): Of all the bands
who set the world alight at the end of the twentieth century, perhaps the
most curious were those jingle-jangle troubadors known as Belle and
Sebastian. With their winsome strumming and ambisexual lyricism they were
truly a shambling conundrum, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in mystery.
Poised on the brink of global success , they decided to release their
potential crossover single "Jenny is a Sad Librarian" as a seventy-three
track gramophone cylinder, available only in Surinam, and promoted it with
a twelve minute gig onboard a ferry bound for Dunoon. As their fanbase
finally lost patience and converted en masse to a shadowy cult lead by
Stephen Pastel, the members of B&S scattered to the far corners of the
world. But where are they now....?

<<Woozy wobbly screen effect>>

(A man decked out in Armani and expensive sunglasses sits behind a vast
desk in an executive office. Every five minutes he goes to the bathroom and
returns, sniffing suspiciously. It is Stuart David. He has cultivated a
mid-Atlantic drawl).

Listen, you better make this quick, I've gotta sort out a deal with some
shmucks from McDonalds who wanna do some kind of merchandising deal to
tie-in with the new movie. Belle and Sebastian? Leaving them was the
smartest move I ever made. What a bunch of losers. Of course, I don't say
no when the guy arrives with the royalty cheques, but _really_. Selling
lies to the boys with the old dansettes? Spot on. At one point I  wrote the
cruddiest song I could imagine - Paper Boat - and they _still_ bought it.
That paid for my first Limo... I've got 20 of them now. After the band
split I started up Treehouse Studios, and we knocked out Gregory's Girl II:
This Time it's Personal. It broke all box-office records in twenty states.
As you know, it's turned into quite a profitable little franchise... we're
currently in production on the next sequel: Gregory's Girl VII: The
Nightmare Continues, in which Clare Grogan comes back from the grave to
wreak revenge on Gregory who decided he liked the footballing chick more
after all. We got a script by that guy who did Scream 13... we're, like,
putting all those horror cliches in a kinda postmodern context, and with
some cute Scottish accents! That's the twist! Sorry, gotta go... time is
money, asshole!

(Cut to a mystery underground bunker, somewhere in Dumfriesshire. A man is
clad in combat fatigues, his face obscured by a tartan bandana. It is Chris
Geddes).

I am not Chris Geddes! I refuse to accept the name given to me by English
oppressors. You may now call me Maccaiighghhhgh X. The Dumfries Resistance
Brigade is dedicated to the overthrow of the Sassenach Police State by any
means necessary. We only agree to this interview if it is conducted
entirely in Gaelic. I deny I was ever part of this Belle and Sebastian you
talk of.

(Cut to the Gugenheim Museum in Bilbao where Sarah is putting the finishing
touches to her latest world-conquering exhibition)

Yeah, right, well B&S, yeah it was groovy for a while, I mean I think we
really upset some conventions there for a while, some of it was really kind
of post-faux-naif, you know, really quite radical in a kind of post-Hirst
kinda way. But really, painting was always my first love, darling. I mean,
I just like to explore different media, it's essential for my personal,
like, growth you know? I'm currently working on these silk screen prints
of, like, lost Sarah records bands? Everyone loves it. Have you seen my
series of 14 Iced Bears in magenta and green? Keep it quite, but I think
the Saatchi's are interested. You gotta go? Right well see you at Pharmacy,
darling. Mwah, mwah...

(Cut to a taxicab in Leytonstone. Isobel is the driver)

If you see that fucker Murdoch you tell him that he still owes me three
months worth of maintenance for little Belle and Seb. I'll get the bloody
Child Support Agency onto that bastard. Last time the bairns saw their
father was 2005... he's poncing around in his funny hats, and I'm working
three fucking jobs just to keep the kids in new shoes!

(Cut to Glasgow Cathedral. Stuart Murdoch is wearing Bishop's robes)

Hello, my son. Well, I don't really like to talk about the old days... It
was a youthful indiscretion, shall we say. Archbishop Cliff has been very
understanding about the whole thing, he's been very helpful. Yes, even
after the ,erm, public lavatory incident. It was all a terrible
misunderstanding. Now I'm putting all my energy into serving the Lord. I do
bring out the old acoustic guitar for the occasional rousing chorus of
Kumbaya, though! Keeps the spirits up, you know! I say, young man, would
you care for a chocolate finger? Those are very attractive silver trousers
you are wearing, by the way, remind me of a pair I used to have. Do you
mind if I stroke them? Ah yes... very nice. Isobel who?

(Cut back to John Peel)

Unfortunately Stevie , Richard  and Mick  were unavailable for comment as
they were touring Butlins Holiday Camps under the name "Sebastian and
Belle" (the name was changed for legal reasons) with Chris Leonard, Elliot
from ET and Chloe Sevigny making up the numbers. The highlight of their set
is a three-minute Jive Bunny style megamix of all the songs on Tigermilk.

Next week: The full  torrid story of the Andorran Gloomcore scene.
_________________________

Stay pressed,
Stevie Trousers
xxx

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