Sinister: Fireworks, Love, Haiku.... Is this what they call "the blues"? (entry for the "longest post" competition ;-)

[Shearer, Calumn]

Oh, It's you... I was just checking. 
That WAS a long post from "le Gateau de Whizz" wasn't it... I'm thinking
that even "prolific" Reid has met his match. 
Come on in, the kettles on. Do you want a coffee, or maybe something
stronger, eh? ;-)
A coffee and a "wee dram" it is, then. 
Have a seat, rest your legs, get comfy. I warn you now, this is quite
likely to be a long post. 

What with it being fireworks night last night and all, I was in a very
reflective mood, I even tried my hand at Haiku on the way home (1) ...
and thought about most of this post either on a wall above a park, or in
the pub, waiting for my friend Sarah (2) to  come back to the pub. I'd
had a really nice evening, and was shamelessly monopolising her all
night
Not that I begrudged her the presence of her boyfriend (3) but, like I
said, I'd had a nice night and didn't want it spoiled with them
smooching all over the bar. Like they do. It's probably selfish, but I
hate to watch couples snogging when I'm single. It's still quite
embarrassing when I'm going out with someone, but I think it's worse
when your single. Especially if they are your best friends. 
Anyway, I digress.... 

I really wrote this ramble to the list because I'm, frankly, scared
stiff. and could do with advice. 
You see, Jenny's coming back.
I suppose I should explain... Jenny's.... well, the only thing I can say
that comes close is "the Love of my Life". and even then it's an
understatement. If She were on the list (I hope she's not in disguise!)
she's get 20 votes from me. I'd even sign up under pseudonyms to
register more votes. (hasn't anyone thought of this yet, or am I just a
cynical old git at heart? ) 

Do you want another coffee? It's OK, I'll get it... 

I've known Her for about 2 and a half years now, and I can still close
my eyes and see Her smiling like the first time I saw Her. 
Now, just to clarify a little, we've never "gone out together", although
I spent the best weekend of my life in Edinburgh with Her. 
I started to write poetry again, only for Her, whilst watching Her sleep
(badly) on Her birthday. I sat up all night, watching Her and writing
about how I felt. about Her 
I was mindnumbingly embarrassed when, having fallen asleep watching Her
breathe and holding Her hand, She woke up before me and read the bits
and bobs scrawled onto the back of envelopes and tights packets and any
scrap paper I could get my hands on. 
But, I was overjoyed when She wanted to keep them. 
You must be wondering, if I love this girl as much as I say I do, then
why am I not leaping for joy at Her immanent return to my life (4) and,
I'd have to say, I am. I can't wait to see Her again, but I'm worried at
the same time. I have a "gut feeling" that She's not going to feel the
same about me as I do about Her. and I don't know how to broach the
subject. I mean... "Hi, how are you? does your heart want to explode
with love, too... or do you fancy a coffee? " 

I suppose I can only "take it as it goes", eh?  
Oh well. 
I think the main problem I have with this is that IF (and that's a big
if...)  She _doesn't_ love me back (ah, unrequited love... a fine
subject!) then my relationship with Her enters the realm of "damage
limitation", in that I would rather be friends with her, and be able to
talk to her about my thoughts and feelings, than be "acquaintances"
(sp?) and get an occasional 'phone call, see her at parties, and start
pestering mutual friends about "How's Jenny?" and "What's Jenny doing
these days?" (to which the answer would be "Same as yesterday, Calumn,
now Fuck Off." ) 

So what do I do? 

Should I just go for it, and throw this whole boiling tempest of love at
her lap. "There. That's how I feel. now feel free to break my heart"
Or do I maintain the wall. stay cool. torture myself for a few years
yet. 

god, is _this_ depression? is it heartbreak? 

I'm off to read "Belle Lettres" again. It helps. (5) 

Maybe, just maybe, She does love me back... in which case I get to
implement my "grand plan" of introducing her to B&S (she's never heard
them. and I admit that this is deliberate. I want to be there when She
1st hears them) whilst cuddling up on the sofa, in front of the fire,
with a bottle of nice red wine (I've even got one put aside!). I even
made a tape, I'd post the tracklist, but (if you're still here) you
really don't want to know. Suffice it to say, it's _all_ Belle and
Sebastian... 

I'll shut up about "Photo Jenny" (hadda put _that_ one on the tape!) 
oh dear...this post is assuming "reidian proportions" but don't worry,
you don't get this very often from me.

Other stuff: 

	I'm having difficulty finding the Duke's book in Glasgow (tried
Waterstones, Dillons and John Smith's) but I think I might get it
on-line instead.... The temptation to get it signed is just too great!	
But... How Would the Author sign... "Duke of Harringay"? or "Alastair
Fitchett" (whoever _that_ is!) 
I'd like to get it signed by "the duke".. that'd be fun.

When Is someone going to nominate _me_ for the Monday poem? It's true,
I've been sitting at the back of the class, giglling with my friends,
but I'm really paying attention, miss. and have my hand up nicely... I'm
not even shouting "me, me, me". 

Whilst I'm on the subject of Poetry, (and this is the clever "segue"
(sp?) bit) Whilst I was looking for (plug) "Young and Foolish" in
Waterstone's, I found a book of "Scots Haiku"... One of which I feel
like sharing. 
It's here for the record, so that people can refer to it at the "New
Year" bashes. 
(I included the English Translation, otherwise it's pretty much
gibberish!) 

Ne'erday splore,				New Year Party 
bauld hechts: the morn				brave resolutions: still raining
mair weet					in the morning

the books called "scots haiku" (no, really!) and it's by Bruce Leeming.
comes in a nice blue cover too. 

and from Haiku... onto the footnotes... (starting with a haiku... clever
huh?) 


1)  My First Haiku

	Driving in the rain - 
	the many firework's cherry blossoms
	fall into the night

Well, what do you think? Yes, well, I'll improve. (I've got to!)  While
I'm (still) on the subject, I heard a great Haiku on the radio.... 
	
	To convey one's mood
	in seventeen syllables
	is very diffic

	Brilliant! 


Dramatis Personae and other notes..... 

2) My Mate Sarah
	She's a zoologist at Glasgow Uni, small, funny, gorgeous.. and one of
my true friends. I love her dearly. I keep babbling at her about my
life, and love and stuff..
	She understands me, I think. 

3) Sarah's Boyfriend , Ewan. Who is (coincidentally), my best friend. If
I had to pick one person, that is. He's a Programmer, with long, long
blond hair and a vicious temper when he's drunk. Which is why he doesn't
drink alcohol anymore. I'm very proud of him for that. 

4) Return? Where was she? 
Well, Jen left to work in Leeds after that lovely weekend together, and
we had decided to see each other when she came back... she had to work
_really_ hard while she was down there, and I had just started my job
here, with the council. We phoned each other a few times, and I wierded
her out once, when I sent her a letter telling her how I still felt
about her (she didn't expect it) I was supposed to apologise to her, but
I said... "I can't apologise for feeling what I feel, I _can_ apologise
for telling you. But I'd rather you knew than you didn't" 

5) Belle Lettres? What's that? 
	Oh where have you been? If you haven't read Belle Lettres, you haven't
lived. 
	Check it out on Tangent's (damn fine) web site...
http://www.virtual-pc.com/tangent/belle_lettres/index.html you can even
buy a "hard" copy (plug!) 
	Now, _there's_ a thing to make a young boy sigh.....


Thanks for listening. If you still are, that is. 

cal
In dire need of a big, warm, happy, hug....



Duran Duran Content : "Wild Boys" - now _there_ was a P!O!P video
B&S Content: Belle Lettres. The Fireside Bit. Love and Heartbreak
Smut Content: None, but I'll let you know if I "get lucky"....
Post Length: about 8K (1476 words, but Micro$oft have been known to be
wrong) 
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