Sinister: One more for the english vs. american thread

[Burt Reynolds]

Hello all,

Pulled this off the Moose Mansions website.  I know this thread died and 
went to heaven weeks ago, but you MUST read this...

Yer pal,
Rachael


Jo's Completely Factual and Not At All Juvenile Guide for Americans 
Visiting 
Britain

I keep getting mail from Cornell students who ask my advice on 
travelling and
researching in the UK -- apparently someone started a rumor that I knew
something about it. I finally decided to compile a little guidebook 
containing
my accumulated wisdom on the subject. I do fervently hope that someone 
will put
it to use.

Vocabulary

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
"goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to 
the pub
but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was 
once
called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. 
Underpants
are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond 
of
someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be 
touched.  The
English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want 
to fit
in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you 
walk down
the street.  Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only 
between
people of the same sex.

Habits

Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental 
customs,
such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta , 
which
they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, 
it is
not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work 
there due
to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply
apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will 
understand
and forgive you.

Universities

University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by 
quaint
medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are
expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small 
knife for
sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the 
librarians that
you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the 
rules are
unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is 
customary to
kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've 
requested,
a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.  
One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or 
Cambridge is
gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which 
you
propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the 
boats
(called "yer-I-nals") are  privately owned by the colleges, but there 
are some
places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor 
or
policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like 
to
know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with 
vegetable
oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of 
Crisco
and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way 
people
will know you are an experienced cottager.

Food

British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, 
the
American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week 
(rest
assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank 
for). Few
foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. 
The best
cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, 
called the
British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, 
tell your
waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks 
at
your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back 
and
forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter 
realizes
you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse 
the
restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should 
order
one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of
Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare 
treat
indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested 
amount. Pay
whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in 
which case
you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he 
should
run a tab for you.

Transportation

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride 
in
London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver 
tries
to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then 
grab the
nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to 
take a
taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons'
requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to 
the
driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will 
frequently
try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your 
requested
destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist 
(little
does he know you're not so ignorant!).

Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently 
moved to
a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales.  It can 
be
reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about 
the
complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called 
"prams"
in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little 
confusing at
first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons 
unknown,
is called the "off-license." It's also very important to know that a 
"doctor"
only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, 
you
must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").  

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the 
most
economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.  Chivalry is 
alive
and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. 
Simply take
some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the 
platforms;
you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once 
on the
platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large 
Gappe
bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in 
the
early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to
exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you 
should
grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever 
been
killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback 
to an
otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty 
locating
the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one 
of the
full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow 
airport,
announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish 
peace
organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers 
know, this
little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, 
in fact,
want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, 
as it
will expedite things on your return trip.

Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")

--
Vectored by Moose Mansions (http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2694/)


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