Sinister: One more for the english vs. american thread

[Heather Marie Propes]

You forgot the most important one (which I learned during a trip to
England at the tender and inmpressionable age of nine). If you go overseas
with your mom and dad, and they insist on going into a pub for a beer and
leaving you outside, you must sit on the wall across the street and
adopting your best drunken slur, serenade the passers-by with an American
drinking song such "Show Me the Way to go Home," complete with faked
hiccups and wildly contorted faces. This works best if you are nine and
have your little sister along. Brits really like drunken American
children. (my sis and I actually did this).

Ciao!

http://student-www.uchicago.edu/users/asbuch/index.htm#hometop

Heather Marie Propes   asbuch at midway.uchicago.edu       



On Wed, 11 Nov 1998, Burt Reynolds wrote:

> 
> Hello all,
> 
> Pulled this off the Moose Mansions website.  I know this thread died and 
> went to heaven weeks ago, but you MUST read this...
> 
> Yer pal,
> Rachael
> 
> 
> Jo's Completely Factual and Not At All Juvenile Guide for Americans 
> Visiting 
> Britain
> 
> I keep getting mail from Cornell students who ask my advice on 
> travelling and
> researching in the UK -- apparently someone started a rumor that I knew
> something about it. I finally decided to compile a little guidebook 
> containing
> my accumulated wisdom on the subject. I do fervently hope that someone 
> will put
> it to use.
> 
> Vocabulary
> 
> The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as
> "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to come to 
> the pub
> but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was 
> once
> called a "shilling" -- the equivalent of seventeen cents American. 
> Underpants
> are called "wellies" and friends are called "tossers." If you are fond 
> of
> someone, you should tell him he is a "great tosser" -- he will be 
> touched.  The
> English are a notoriously demonstrative, tactile people, and if you want 
> to fit
> in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and tossers when you 
> walk down
> the street.  Public nuzzling and licking are also encouraged, but only 
> between
> people of the same sex.
> 
> Habits
> 
> Ever since their Tory government wholeheartedly embraced full union with
> Europe, the Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental 
> customs,
> such as the large midday meal followed by a two- or three-hour siesta , 
> which
> they call a "wank." As this is still a fairly new practice in Britain, 
> it is
> not uncommon for people to oversleep (alarm clocks, alas, do not work 
> there due
> to the magnetic pull from Greenwich). If you are late for supper, simply
> apologize and explain that you were having a wank -- everyone will 
> understand
> and forgive you.
> 
> Universities
> 
> University archives and manuscript collections are still governed by 
> quaint
> medieval rules retained out of respect for tradition; hence patrons are
> expected to bring to the reading rooms their own ink-pots and a small 
> knife for
> sharpening their pens. Observing these customs will signal the 
> librarians that
> you are "in the know" -- one of the inner circle, as it were, for the 
> rules are
> unwritten and not posted anywhere in the library. Likewise, it is 
> customary to
> kiss the librarian on both cheeks when he brings a manuscript you've 
> requested,
> a practice dating back to the reign of Henry VI.  
> One of the most delighful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or 
> Cambridge is
> gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which 
> you
> propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the 
> boats
> (called "yer-I-nals") are  privately owned by the colleges, but there 
> are some
> places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor 
> or
> policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like 
> to
> know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with 
> vegetable
> oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of 
> Crisco
> and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way 
> people
> will know you are an experienced cottager.
> 
> Food
> 
> British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
> gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar, 
> the
> American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a week 
> (rest
> assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank 
> for). Few
> foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. 
> The best
> cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, 
> called the
> British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, 
> tell your
> waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks 
> at
> your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back 
> and
> forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter 
> realizes
> you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse 
> the
> restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he doesn't, you should 
> order
> one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of
> Yorkshire and East Anglia -- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare 
> treat
> indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested 
> amount. Pay
> whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in 
> which case
> you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he 
> should
> run a tab for you.
> 
> Transportation
> 
> Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride 
> in
> London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver 
> tries
> to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!", then 
> grab the
> nearest bobby and have the driver arrested. It is rarely necessary to 
> take a
> taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons'
> requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy
> gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to 
> the
> driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will 
> frequently
> try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your 
> requested
> destination. Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist 
> (little
> does he know you're not so ignorant!).
> 
> Speaking of the British Library, you should know that it has recently 
> moved to
> a new location at Kew. Kew is a small fishing village in Wales.  It can 
> be
> reached by taking the train to Cardiff; once there, ask any local about 
> the
> complimentary shuttle bus to Kew. (Don't forget that buses are called 
> "prams"
> in England, and trains are called "bumbershoots"--it's a little 
> confusing at
> first. Motorcycles are called "lorries" and the hospital, for reasons 
> unknown,
> is called the "off-license." It's also very important to know that a 
> "doctor"
> only means a PhD in England, not a physician. If you want a physician, 
> you
> must ask for an "MP" (which stands for "master physician").  
> 
> For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the 
> most
> economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.  Chivalry is 
> alive
> and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. 
> Simply take
> some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the 
> platforms;
> you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once 
> on the
> platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disurb the large 
> Gappe
> bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in 
> the
> early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to
> exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you 
> should
> grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever 
> been
> killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback 
> to an
> otherwise excellent means of transportation. (If you have difficulty 
> locating
> the Tube station, merely follow the signs that say "Subway" and ask one 
> of the
> full-time attendants where you can catch the bumbershoot.)
> 
> One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow 
> airport,
> announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish 
> peace
> organization -- the "shin" stands for "shalom"). As savvy travellers 
> know, this
> little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way
> through customs; otherwise you could waste all day in line. You might, 
> in fact,
> want to ask a customs agent to put a Shin Fane stamp in your passport, 
> as it
> will expedite things on your return trip.
> 
> Bollocks to your mum! ("farewell and good health to your family")
> 
> --
> Vectored by Moose Mansions (http://www.geocities.com/Athens/2694/)
> 
> 
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