Sinister: on lurking and not talking

[Cynthia Someone]

while communication can be so powerful, I can't say my own 
communications are entirely meaningful.   my whole life, the things i 
think about are irrelevant to me. Spend ten hours a day trying to look 
busy, another 2 in traffic.  My evenings and weekends are escapes for 
me. I feel human again, then. But even then, i don't say anything. I 
mean really say anything.

I lead a secret life at work, full of emails from sweet people and music 
that my workplace laughs at secretly, uncomprehending. British pop, 
Brazilian music are escapes for me, partially because they aren't 
inspired by the things of America's heartland. And I'm at war with 
America's heartland and all it stands for ... I put the jeepster jpeg of 
that painting of two kittens at a lady's breast on my desktop (is that 
the tigermilk cover or a winner in a contest? it wasn't clear) and one 
of the girls made an exclamation of disgust, how sick the picture was.  
meanwhile, she spends time laughing at pornographic fetishy images and 
retards. She's going to the jimmy Buffet concert tonight. A nice girl 
for all that. 
 When you're constantly a fish out of water, one needs a secret life, 
observant, half-dream, clear-eyed. But it makes me quiet, and unwilling 
to share or develop my true self. perhaps i should be braver, but 
courage without reason is just foolish aggression, and I have yet to 
create my mission. 

Cynthia

"Don't wait for it," I said. "Create a world, your world. Alone. Stand 
alone. Create. and then the love will come to you, then it comes to you. 
It was only when I wrote my first book that the world I wanted to live 
in opened to me." --anais nin 

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