Sinister: Squirrels are lovely/Honey get better charity event

[Chris Leonard]

Dear yous,

Apparently it's going to snow today in glasgow.  I hope it does so that
I can walk in the park and play with the little squirrels and hedgehogs.
I know there only after something to eat, but I pretend they follow me
because they want to be my friends.  To tell the truth I don't like the
grey squirrels much, cos they killed all the red squirrels.  I say I
don't like them, then I see one and it's all fluffy and lovely, just
like Stuart Murdoch.

Love,
    Christopher

PS.  I got this from Honey
Honey:
> What I'd like more than anything is a special "i wove you"
>episode in a good cause, my illness, like Live Aid.  I dream of an
>episode where Stuart and Stephen both fall in love with me and tend
>me back to health in their own inimitable and amusing styles.

>Here's a picture of you I sneakily took in London when you were on the
>bog.
........snip


So I'll give it a shot.  

Once upon a time they're was a little girl called Honey, because her
hair was the colour of honeycomb.  She lived in a mansion in the
bestest, poshest part of Edinburgh, where AIDS is rife.  Honey had
developed the ability to shapeshift and could easily turn into any
object she imagined.  As you might suspect, a little girl can imagine
quite a few things!  She turned herself into a dragon, an eagle, a
scrotum clencher, a waronker and a paper boar all before tea time.

Now, one day she turned herself into a man and fell in love with a
beautiful girl called Linda, who looked a little like a dark haired
Cameron Diaz.  This was strange because inside Honey was a girl, so he
was really a lesbian.  This, of course, is perfectly acceptable
behaviour in 1998, there's nothing wrong being a lesbian.  It means
there's more men about for the rest of us.

Honey decided she was happy and decided to become a full time man.  She
went to university and stumbled upon some quasars and the second largest
object in the universe.  She soon became Dr. Honey.  But she was bored.
One day she found a strange letter under her door.  "I'm a girl, just
like you, wove stuart" it said.  "Blimey!" exclaimed Honey - "I thought
I was the only shapeshifter girl in the world!".  He dashed out into the
cold rain to search for the mysterious shapeshifting stuart.  My how she
searched, until she wasn't well and had to go to bed and lie down.

Linda nursed Honey but she couldn't do anything.  He was feverish and a
fucking wreck.  Things weren't looking good.  Honey stayed in her bed
for 40 years until she was an old man.  Her shapeshifting days were
over.  Linda went away to Australia, then to Thailand for a couple days
were Oon taught her how to gamble.

Just when he was getting ready to die, there's was a little knock at the
door.  "Hewwo, can I come in" said a little voice.  "You may",  said
honey.  A little scrawny shite of an old man came in "I put a wittle
wetter under your door fowty years ago!  I'm a girl too!!".  Honey was
not amused and instantly got better and battered the wee bastard.  "You
made me ill looking for you, ya swine!".  "Sowwy", said little Stuart,
"I'm weally weally sowwy".   As we know, it's a fine line between love
and hate.  Honey fell in love with little Stuart and they both hopped
into bed.

Unsuspecting Linda arrived home, and found them hard at it!  She was
mortified - "you bastards!"  she screamed and started to batter Honey
and Stuart.  As we know, it's a fine line between love and hate.  Linda
fell in love with little Stuart and Honey and she hopped into bed too.
There's many intriguing possibilities with two shapeshifters, I can tell
you.

End

That's that then.  I got a little sidetracked half way through, sorry
about that.   Hopefully honey should be better and ready to administer
some discipline to you naughty boys and girls.  

c 
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+
      +---+  Brought to you by the Sinister mailing list  +---+
 To send to the list please mail "sinister at majordomo.net". To unsubscribe
   send "unsubscribe sinister" or "unsubscribe sinister-digest" to
 "majordomo at majordomo.net".  For list archives and searching, list rules,
   FAQ, poor jokes etc, see http://www.majordomo.net/sinister
          +---+   "legion of bedroom saddo devotees"  +---+
 +-+  "the cardie wearing biscuit nibbling belle & sebastian list"  +-+
+----------------------------------------------------------------------+