Sinister: If it were illegal / Would you love me like a beagle?

[poetryplace2]

It has been a shameful week for us all. A decent man has been unfairly
tormented by purveyors of smut and innuendo. He has been needlessly
humiliated before a global audience, and the most intimate details of his
life have become the stuff of prurient gossip.

I refer, of course, to the minor kerfuffle over the painting which adorns my
living room wall, henceforth to be known as the “The boy in need of an arab
strap”. Now that the whole fiasco has died down, I can return to the list,
and say just one thing: Peter, what on earth is a “Strawberry and Chocolate
Scenario”? On second thoughts, maybe I really don’t want to know.

I followed funkyseb’s funkytip and watched that vampire nonsense on Channel
4 last night, to watch Miles getting chomped by bloodsuckers. It was
complete tosh, but I learnt one thing: all vampires favour rollneck tops, to
hide their exotic “hickies”. I am now eternally vigilant. And, strangely,
there is one list member who has attempted to revive these garments, and is
known to lurk in shrubbery and flowerbeds after dark. I suggest you take a
gander at (http://www.majordomo.net/sinister/people/keithpissed.jpg)
and think very carefully about going to Manchester this Xmas.

My contribution to talking about Paul behind his back: everyone knows that
Paul named his newts after characters in “Whatever Happened to the Likely
Lads?”. But I bet you didn’t know that this was no idle 1970s nostalgia:
Paul is actually the illegitimate lovechild of tv’s miseryboots, James
Bolam!

A quick bit of content: I was in our caff yesterday lunchtime, and a B&S
tape was playing “It snows up Barney Sumner’s nose”, and two seperate people
went up to the bar to ask who this fantastic band were. It fair warmed the
cockles of my heart.

Back to gossip and in-jokes:

<ahem>

So Farewell then, Hippo Hopkins.
You were T!O!P! O!F! O!U!R! P!O!P!S!
Your favourite artists were
King Tubby, Ernest Tubbs
and Buster Bloodvessel.
We will all miss your
...
...
...
...
Pinteresque pauses.

Finally, the real deal. I mentioned last week I was preparing an exciting
competition, and now it can be unveiled. I’ve recently been delivered some
new books by Ian McMillan, Simon Armitage and Glyn Maxwell, who some of you
may remember from Saint Mark Radcliffe’s nighttime show a few years back. To
win these fabulous prizes I thought I would put the your poetry muscles to
the test, so I now announce MR TROUSERS’S EXCITING SINISTER HAIKU
COMPETITION.

A haiku, as you all know, is composed of three lines of 5, 7 and 5
syllables. Your task is to write a haiku on some aspect of sinister life. It
can be about the list:

Tell us your fave bands!
We are all fascinated!
No, really we are.

About the band:

Feeling sinister?
Heed the words of Stuart D:
This is pish, I’m off.

Or it can be an in-joke to ingratiate yourself to the Dad’s Army of Sinister
Old-timers

Though he has no lips.
The song snake does not feel sad.
His tongue is superb.

Send your entries to me privately. Points will be awarded to haiku that
display a feeling for the form, ethereal use of language, and imaginative
use of the phrase “English Cock Cage”.

A special prizewinner will also receive a signed print of the painting from
my front room. The winners will be announced on October 8, which, as you
know, is National Poetry Day.

Avanti!
Trousers
xxxxx

PS: Londoners! There will be another Shinister Shindig at the Poetry Caff in
Covent Garden next Friday, the 2nd of October. I will put details up on the
Jeepster events page soon.


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