Sinister: DE LIVER UNS

[Chris Leonard]

Mr. Spock here.  How've you been?  You look well.  

Here's a screenplay for my next blockbuster.  I made it up.  All of it.
Even the people, and dammit the story too.  Any resemblance to real
people or a real film  is a damn coincidence.  Again I used a sweary
approach, to portray some of my harder edged characters.  I thoroughly
recommend none of you take up swearing.  Watch it kids.

DE LIVER UNS
============

Stuart Murdoch, Stevie Jackson and Stephen Pastel are having
a weekend canoeing down the Cahooooooga river.  Usually they play golf, 
but they fancied a change.

Characters
Stephen Pastel :  Adventurer, hard as fuck
Stuart Murdoch :  Humanist, nature loving, effeminate.
Stevie Jackson :  Guitar wielding family man.

Red AMK van drives up to a wooden hut by the side of a huge river.
There's a wee guy sitting with a banjo outside

Stephen Pastel:  Gonna drive ma van tae Glasgae, ya ugly wee cunt?
Stuart Murdoch:  Swephen, why oh why dwo you have to be so so wude to
people?
Stephen Pastel:  FUCKIN SHUT IT YOU!  ANSWER ME, ya ugly wee bastard!
Stevie Jackson:  Wow man, you've got a banjo - look I gotta guitar.
Let's jam!

[Stevie and the ugly wee fella play that duelling banjos tune.  Top!]

Stuart Murdoch:  Oh, that's was beeeaaaauuuuutiful!  How wovely!  Wovely
Wovely Wovely!
Stephen Pastel:  Aye, that was fuckin magic, by the way.
Stevie Jackson:  Nice one wee man.  I could play all day with you.
Ugly Wee Man  :  Aye right!  You're pish at guitar, big man.

[Stephen Pastel shoots the wee guy with an arrow.  The wee guy dies]

Stuart Murdoch:  Oh no!  Swephen, why evew did you dwo that?  You'we so
siwwy!
Stevie Jackson:  Aye, that was a bit uncalled for, ya nutter.  
Stephen Pastel:  Wee bastard called me a poof!
Stevie Jackson:  No, he said I was shite at guitar, which is fair
enough.
Stephen Pastel:  He fuckin never!  He called me a fuckin bender!  Wee
shite.  So I killed him. YOU GOT A FUCKIN PROBLEM WI THAT?
Stevie Jackson:  He really didn't, you know.
Stephen Pastel:  Shite!  What am I gonna fucking do then?
Stuart Murdoch:  Phone the powice and tell them what you have done?
Stephen Pastel:  FUCK THAT - I'M NO FUCKING GOING BACK TO BARLINNIE!!
		     IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SELFISH WEE FUCK?
Stevie Jackson:  Why don't wee just pull him up into those woods, and
bury him?
Stephen Pastel:  Aye, nice one.
[The three of them grab a leg each and pull the ugly wee guy up into the
woods]
[They start to bury him]
Stevie Jackson:  There's someone over there!
Stephen Pastel:  SHITE!  Better distract them
[The pair of them leave Stuart to bury the wee guy]
[There's two scary hillbilly nutters up the hill a bit, one of them]
[has a big gun]  

Stephen Pastel:  What the fuck do you two think you're doing?
Nutter1:  FUCKIN SHUT IT YOU.
[Nutter2. Points the gun at Stephen Pastel.  There's a bit of a
scuffle.]
[Ends up Stevie is tied to a tree with a belt round his neck]
Nutter1:  Take off yer clothes Stephen Pastel.  You gotta a real purty
mouth.
	    Look a bit like a cow.  I'm gonna shag you.
Stephen Pastel:  Dinnae!
Nutter1:  Aye, I'm gonna fuckin shag you.  Get yer clothes off now,
          Or else Nutter2 will shoot you, then I'll still shag you.  
[Stephen Pastel Strips naked]
Stephen Pastel:  Ya Bastard.
Nutter1:  Look a bit like a cow.  Moo like a cow, daisy!
Stephen Pastel:  moo
Nutter1:  YOU'D BETTER MOO A LOT FUCKING BETTER THAN
THAT!MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Stephen Pastel:  MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[Nutter1 arses Stephen Pastel]
[Nutter2 looks at Stevie]
Nutter2:  You're all mine.  hehehe.  You gotta real purty mouth.
Nutter1:  Shite!  The wee fuckers shot me!!
[Nutter1 falls dead.  Nutter2 Runs away.  Wee Stuart Murdoch appears
from behind a tree with a bow and arrow]
Stuart Murdoch:  Take that you big bad buwwy.  Sweven are you ok?
Stephen Pastel:  NO I'M NOT FUCKING OK.  THIS IS YOUR FAULT, YA PRICK.
[stephen grabs the bow and arrow off Stuart and shoots Stuart dead.]
[Then he puts the bow and arrow to his own head, and shoots himself]
[Stevie is left tied to the tree with a belt round his neck.  He ]
[suffers for a while then dies of oxygen starvation]

THE END

Love,
Christine xx



Wee Ugly Cunt:    	
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