Sinister: You can lead a horse to water...

[Shearer, Calumn]

1) But your pencil must be lead, mate (Half Man Half Biscuit)
2) But if you do, just remember what a wet horse smells like. (William J
Connelly, Entertainer)

I haven't written much recently, (nothing much to say) but there are
plenty of other people doing that one for me... 
Well, my oh my, hasn't it been a busy wee month? Over 1200 e-mails! and
that's not counting the ones I deleted in disgust. (I'm not telling)

And the collection of nice, Fluffy (Hi Sarah!), gentle, sinister types
keeps growing... at this rate we'll be able to take over the world. 
Have I just ruined Honey's "Dastardly plan"?

Oh, well.. with the immense intellect the man posseses, it won't take
him long to think up a new Plan For World Domination...

But I digress.
The real reason for this little notelet is to "formally" announce that
my competition has "fomally" closed. It was wearing a dinner jacket at
the time, and that's formal enough for me, thankyouverymuch.

So without furtive adon't: Greg... it's yours... as soon as you send me
your address, 'cos I lost it. (doh!)

Yes Ladies, Gentlemen and Hemaphrodites (seen the new Marylin Manson
poster - Yeuch!) the divine, wonderous, even, dare I say it, gorgeous
Greg Pallis won my poster, with what I have decided to be the best story
I have been sent.  
Frankly, it was the only story I have been sent. Really... I'm
dissapointed in the total lack of effort here.
Lazy gits the lot of you.
Next time I won't bother... 

anyway, I copied Gregs "all the song titles" story at the end of this
e-mail... read and enjoy. It's really very clever.

On other matters, I just recieved my first Tape Tree tape, and it's damn
fine. Nice to know I'm not the only one that's bought "Kevin McDermott"
;-)
I am however seriously paranoid about my tape.... Is it up to scratch?
It's got a nice cover, I'll give it that.
Hey ho, It's in London now. Good luck with it, chaps - and I hope it
doesn't make your ears bleed too much (tee hee)

Quick answers to current topics: 
Tigermilk dedication: Keith answered it but I think your either
despicable for cheating, or commendable for using your initiative. you
choose.

Song lists: End it. now.  I really don't care what music you're into.
It's probably all good, anyway. If one band or another turns up "in the
conversation" as it were, are we going to get a whole host of "oh, I
like them too" one -line emails? 
If so, I'm outa here. Better things to do than to delete those. 

And, at the risk of getting flamed, the whole "ethnic/black music"
debate's been done to death soooooo many times, it gets on my nerves
every time. Music's music. Regardless.  Some is Good. Some is Bad. Some
is Korn (sorry!) but it's never been a colour. At least, not without
some serious psychadelics. I seem to remember that the guitar part to
"D'ya make her" by Led Zeppelin was blue, once.... 

What's the criteria for a "monday poem"? It seems to be a nomination
thing, but I've been collecting all these wonderful, witty, poignant
poems, just on the off chance I'm picked.... but noone cares. Is there a
central list of "poetry people"? Is it all just a big conspiracy? have I
been drinking too much Coffee? Tune in next week to find out!...

While I'm on a ramble, as it were, Here's a true story (It happened to
me today!) 
Hadn't checked my e-mail all morning....
I would choose 12:10 to check whether this PC I'm fixing can see the
rest of the network. 
A Good Way to do that? - check my mail! See how many belle and sebastian
letters I've got in the last 16 hours...
But, unbeknownst to me... 
Karen (of IT) has rebooted the server, sending an e-mail warning that
between 12:00 and 12:15 e-mail's a no-go area. 
But I haven't checked my mail today, so I can't get in. I don't know
why. 
But then,when I decide to try again, after fiddling with the PC going
"I'll soon fix that!" -  _she's_ fixed it, so I can get in again.
(I'm thinking - I didn't _do_ anything, and it's fixed?!?)

and she sends an e-mail round telling everyone that we're "back up
again"

to sum up:

I get an e-mail saying why I couldn't get e-mail, when I couldn't get
e-mail... but then there's another e-mail saying that I can now get
e-mail now that I can? 

I think I'm using e-mail too much!

Enjoy the US gigs, all those that are going, and I missed my hiaku for
Trous' Competition, so I'm adding one here... 

404 File not Found.

I ate your web page
It was tasty
and tart on my tongue

As seen on our web server, until the boss found out ;-)
(well, I was bored!) 



GREG'S STORY (untitled, I think)

Lazy line painter Jane(1) put the book back on the shelf(2). She had 
planned to sleep the clock around(3), but unusually, she felt like 
seeing other people(4). Her book, A century of Elvis(5), was 
interesting, but after her dirty dream number two(6) of the night, she 
couldn't concentrate.
Mary Jo(7), meanwhile was taking her kids to the theme park... These 
kids are all I have left, she thought. It could have been a brilliant 
career(8) she thought. But he had screwed up her life, there could be no
arguing about that. They'd met when she was a young girl armed with just
expectations(9) and talent. He had seemed perfect, like Dylan in the 
movies(10). He had never even cared about the simple things(11) like the
ages of the children. 'Is it wicked not to care?'(12) she would ponder. 
One of the kids, Jamie, pulled at her leg. He was the youngest, seven 
and a half. He had a slow, ponderous way of talking, which she secretly 
admired. "Mummy" he said. "You know how you have cow milk and goat 
milk?". She nodded. "Can you have tiger milk?(13)"
 She laughed at his question. "You made me forget my dreams(14)" she 
laughed. "Of course you can." Then he ran off, buzzing like a mayfly 
(15)
 Jenny was nine and five foot already. She posed outside the entrance to
the park. At her request, Mary took a photo. Jenny (16) was beautiful 
(17), in a way, but her height had her schoolfriends calling her "String
Bean Jean"(18). Finally there was Otto, fourteen years old and walking 
sullenly along. He thought he was far too old to be here, he wanted to 
be with his girlfriend Seymour Stein(19). Mary had to promise him a go 
on the rollercoaster ride(20) to make him comply, even though she 
considered it far too dangerous. She was convinced Seymour was the wrong
love(21) for him, but she didn't say so to him face. Trying to start a 
conversation, she asked him about his birthday. "Who was that band you 
like?" , she inquired. "Belle and Sebastion(22)" he replied, barely 
breaking out of his frown for a moment.Finally, Mary became annoyed. If 
your feeling sinister(23) she bellowed, "Go and wait for us by the 
roundabout!". Mary skulked off towards the ice cream stall, shouting a 
final "You're just a baby!"(24) to a defiant Otto. "She's losing it"(25)
he muttered to himself.
Jane had, in the end, also decided to go to the theme park. As she 
flittered from attraction to attraction, she spotted her old friend 
Mary, still dragging the 2 remaining kids around.
"How's It going?" she cried across the square. Mary gave the kids money 
for a pizza and ran off to join her friend. Over a coffee, they 
discuused Mary's problems. "I just don't know what to do about the state
I'm in"(26). "I don't love anyone"(27) replied Jane. "It solves most 
problems", she laughed. "I hope they bury me the day my wandering days 
are over."(28) When the bill arrived, they realised they'd payed 3.99 
for 2 croissants. "La pastie de la Beorgoisie"(29) commented Jane. After
that, Mary picked up Otto and gave Jane a lift back.
  The drove onto the M25, minutes before the warning of congestion came 
through on GLR. "London has let me down again"(30) sighed Mary. Jane was
writing TRAFFIC JAM on a lamppost in a tippex pen. "I call it slow 
graffiti"(31), she announced proudly. 
 In the back Jenny and Jamie were hatching a plan to take over the 
world. Jamie chuckled. "We rule the school(32) already" 





32 eh? not chuffing bad Greg! 

And in a tradition (started by Keith yesterday) I'm going to end on a
joke...

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the
other was eating fireworks....
They charged one and let the other one off.

I thank you, and Goodnight!

Calumnous Calumn the Calm Calamnity.



If it said anything down here it would be a sig, it doesn't so it isn't.

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