Sinister: This town is condemned

[Sebastian Brennan]

Hiya Popkids!
Have you missed me then?

<beat>

sotto voce:  bloody sod yer then.
Still, it's nice to see the list in such a state of rosy cheeked 
bounciness, though I hope its new found fame doesn't go to its head. 
There's nothing worse than someone getting a whiff of celebrity, and then 
acting like an arrogant bore...
(counts to three...)
I've just shot a film you know! With Uri Geller,  Lulu, Stephen Fry and 
other famous types!  As the miserable inmates of 'Days like these' might 
say, "It'll never get better than this!"
 I got to wear some fabtastic Chris Geddes jeans, and a big sheepskin 
jacket, and we all grooved/minced about in an authentic, seventies, 
crushed bollocked manner. I expect you all down the pictures when it 
comes out, to say how good I am. ;-)
     The only downside in all this cinematic fabness was that I had to 
stay in Sheffield. Ho. Hum.
On the first day, I went looking for the City Centre. 
It took me a rather a long time to realise that there wasn't one. Those 
krrrazy sixties architects! Welcome to Sheffield, their brave new world 
of piss soaked walkways and spalling concrete youth centres! 
They say that industry's on the decline in South Yorkshire, but I could 
see one big yellow growth industry chomping its way through the city, 
excreting car parks and mounds of rubble from its grubby backside.  When 
it comes to erasing a city's past with JCBs it seems the good burghers of 
sex city just can't get enough. Crunch crunch! Eat up that history! 
Replace it with out of town shoping malls and hipster unfriendly 
motorways... 
 I slid away on a tram built with an air of european loans, to see where 
all the people had gone; off to Meadowhall. 
 I've never seen a city being taken squarely up the arse before. It's not 
a pretty sight. Sheffield does tricks. Ex steel workers dress up as 
Ronald McDonald. Children scream for green cards and happy meals. America 
grunts and gurns on top, while Sheffield lies back and doesn't think of 
England.
     But one thing did strike me. Despite living in the worst town 
planning accident since the US Air Force remodelled Hiroshima High 
Street, the people of Sheffield are still 5 million times friendlier, and 
more pleasant than Londoners. And (ahah! there is a point!) so are 
Glaswegians, and Scousers, and Geordies....and everyone. And 
significantly, not only do people get nicer, but music gets better the 
further you move away from the M25 (Menswear....Mogwai) Why is that? 
 Mind you, by my own argument, Thurso should be music capital of the UK, 
when in fact, it is the epicentre of the fish slapping community, where 
hairy men and women with VW combivans gather to make music using only 
their inner thighs and the bounty of God's deep salty waters. So I'll 
shut up now.
     Apple pie girl, Janey, why didn't you come to the picnic? I know 
Camden Tube's 
full of nutters, but we're all sweeties, honestly! At my first picnic, I 
sat on Primrose Hill for a bit, until I decided that the other 
sinisterines were'nt going to eat me, and then went and stared at them 
until someone had to say hello to me. I can recommend that strategy very 
highly. Damn. I'd have loved some apple pie :-)
     I haven't thought of an ending for this post. Bye bye hipsters, 

Uncletravellingseb
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