Sinister: I saw them first...

[Stuart Gardiner]

Why hello there my pretties, I'm glad you've all been good while I've been
away. Although to be honest most of you probably didn't realise I'd gone
anywhere, since my name seems to have cropped up all over the place in
other people's postings while I've been gone. What with the lovely
Genevieve fantasising about me wearing her prom dress, and my secret night
of passion with Gene Simmons being revealed to the world, I thought I'd
better post something before anyone lets on that I'm actually a 3 foot
tall transvestite from Uzbekistan... (Damn, I must remember to delete that
last bit before I press 'send'...)

And good things do happen in Sheffield, like going to see the mighty
Sheffield Wednesday beat Charlton Athletic at Christmas. If I put in a
quick apology to Honey for mentioning f**t*ll on the list, will I get away
without a spanked bottom? And do I want to?

Anyway, I thought you could cope with reading another report on the
first ever Gentle Ben concert, in Leeds last Friday. I know about half the
audience has already posted about it, but since that's only 3 people, I'm
sure you can manage. It was indeed a good night out, even if I didn't meet
any of the Sinister family there. Isobel was saying how nervous she was,
which apparently was responsible for them missing one song out from the
setlist. The musical highlights for me were the rocky French one near the
start (don't know the titles, sorry!), and the made-up-on-the-spot piece
for cowbell and band. The between song banter mainly came from the backing
musicians, who weren't as nervous, given that when B&S played there last
year there were 3 times as many people in the audience. Highlights
included a 2 minute break between songs while Mick tried to find somewhere
to dangle his instrument (no, it was a triangle. Enough of your dirty
thoughts), and Isobel saying "My mother will kill me when she hears this
one!" before starting the next song with the lines "Kinky love, I need you
kinky love" and half the males in the audience fainting as a result. Oh,
and Stevie's an excellent harmonica player, which I hadn't realised
before. And Stuart M could be seen at one point sitting at the side
looking dotingly at the centre of the stage... They did their best to
recreate the authentic B&S gig experience though; long gaps between songs,
copious instrument changes, and an unfeasibly long soundcheck that meant
doors opened 45 minutes late.

I can't give you the setlist, because I haven't bought the Genuflecting
Warthogs album yet; I don't care who it's by, I refuse to pay £15 in my
local costly disc shop for 31 minutes of music.

What little audience was there was mostly respectfully quiet, apart from
the previously mentioned drunk girl in one of the boxes (think of the two
old grumpy blokes in the Muppet Show, and you've got a pretty accurate
picture of the scene), and a load of people down the front who kept trying
to have conversations with Isobel, and throwing her bags of chocolates and
things. Personally I was sitting by myself on the fifth row from the
front. And it was a complete coincidence that the two best-looking girls I
could see when I came in were sitting on the fourth row from the front.


Of course it would be easy to pick faults in most B&S performances, but
after 7 gigs I pretty much know what to expect now. You just have to
translate what Jeepster say about the gigs into what they actually mean.
For example:

They say; "A gig"
They mean; 14 songs, plus 30 minutes shuffling about inbetween.

They say; "We've been trying to improve our live performances"
They mean; 14 songs, plus 20 minutes shuffling about inbetween.

They say; "Doors open at 1.30pm"
They mean; Get there at 1.30pm and we'll leave you standing outside
Manchester Town Hall in the snow, while we give you free icecreams.

They say; "Doors open at 7.30"
They mean; And pigs might fly.

They say; "Films will be shown from 8.15"
They mean; And Slobodan Milosevic has just been appointed the United
Nations human rights ambassador.

They say; "The Gentle Waves plus two short films"
They mean; We can't afford a support band, so we'll make you watch a
French woman riding round on a bicycle without wearing any shoes for
quarter of an hour instead.

They say; "The Cardiff gig has been postponed"
They mean; We didn't sell any tickets for it, and we're so embarrassed
about over-estimating the number of people who would want to go that we
didn't want to move it to a smaller venue.

They say; "Let's have a picnic on Easter Sunday before the London Gentle
Waves gig"
They mean; It's not sold out, so maybe if we organise a meet-up beforehand
at short notice, people will be more likely to come (especially from out
of London) because they won't be on their own.

But of course, you'd have to be very cynical to think that that was what
they meant, and it would be very churlish to do so. We love you really,
Jeepster...


Everybody still up for a picnic in London on Bank Holiday Monday May 3?
You never know, one of these days it might even appear on the meet-ups web
page if I (or anyone else) ever gets round to it!

Big Stu




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Hey! Macarena...



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