Sinister: and in a packed programme tonight....

[PJMiller]

Dear bum-chums,

Yesterday I went to the football match and it was Real Sociedad
against Real Betis Balompie and it was good and afterwards I was
within spitting distance of World Cup flop coach Javier Clemente, but
I didn't spit because he seemed like a very nice chap. We made eye
contact, I think he wants to sign me up! Then I went to the hootenanny
and it was Bob Dylan and it was good too, a little bit country, a
little bit rock'n'roll. We didn't make eye contact because there were
too many people, but I could tell he was looking for me. He unveiled
an achingly beautiful acoustic ballad called "Like Stuart on the
Telly" which went down frighteningly well. I could go on and on, but
won't.

I'm a bit worried about the faling standards onn Splat's Bowlie page.
I mean, no one's pretended to be Stephen Pastel yet! I was
particularly moved by a message from a nursery member, whose major
league sinster debut I look forward to immensely. I also tried to go
to the List Crush site to ballot-stuff in favour of David so that he'd
come back, but I couldn't get to the site. Some of you may think this
is ethically dubious, but I'm sure the votes are heavily weighted
anyway.

Smiley Culture - the first and best rapper.

Fluffy Sarah - first class lady with a first rate product - I believe
the ball is in the car boot - BUT YOU NEVER KNOW!

A special off-topic "huzzah!" for my neighbour Mister Olazabal, who
won the Augusta Masters yesterday. I knew he'd won because there were
fireworks in the middle of the night. I bet they don't do that in
Largs when Sandy Lyle wins. Or in Kirkcaldy when Jocky Wilson wins.

Speaking of which, many thanks to Trousers for his detailed round-up
of what makes Camber Sands a beacon for the mentally unhinged. I'm
really jealous of everyone who's going now, but out of the goodness of
my heart, I've come up with a plan to make it even more fun for
everyone - a competition! I'm not sure what the prize will be yet, but
it'll be something crap.

The aim of the game is simple - to take a photo of one of your
chalet-mates in the nude! Or if that proves absolutely impossible - on
the bog! It doesn't matter whether your chalet-mate is a boy or a
girl, but if it's your daughter I'm calling the police. I'm the judge,
and my decision is final. Photos will be judged according to the
following criteria:

full-frontalness
genital deformity
nipples (massiveness thereof)

When you've had your photo developed, send it to me at the following
address: Paul's house, Edinburgh, Scotland. If Trousers is willing to
co-operate, the winner will appear as a glossy centrefold in a
forthcoming edition of Trousercuts - the magazine for men who don't
have to try _too_ hard.

Thanks for Ailsa's report on the Glasgow picnic. I yearn for more
details. Come on Keith!

Sister Disco
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