Sinister: Tube truffles-not bus love

[Magpie Jay]

Adventures on the buses of London? No not buses son, I’m afraid it’s 
far more serious than that, tubes. And while it wasn’t a blooming 
romance or even romantically angled, it was surely noteworthy on the 
‘courage to face facial zoners’ front, hence my paws rest in your 
boxes.

It was a work colleagues leaving do, so she naturally bought me a box 
of Milk tray (!). Later I sat with my tube buddy Bangtail Burns on 
the Bakerloo line, trundling home, cellophane veiled choccies on my 
lap.Now wee burns has a penchant for foodstuffs, especially of the 
sweet variety, and, well, basically she wouldn’t leave me alone. 
“Oooooh Johnny, please can I have a choccie?” she whined. “No, I’m 
saving them for a (an unspecified) special occasion” I replied, to a 
miffed bangtail. 

She continued to pester and harang my lap for another three stops, as 
the traditionally zoning and “you’re not there, really you’re not, I 
cant see you” fellow commuters smiled from the corners of their 
mouths at her drooling desparation.

Not seeing why I should continue to suffer the humiliation in public, 
I tell Burns her choccie gobs fate rests on the opinion of a 
stranger. I turn to the spocky looking Mac clad chap to my right and 
illicited an opinion as to whether I should open the chocolate box. 
“I seeenk, you should geeeeve zeeee ladeeee vun” he said (being 
French and all), I shook on the deal with him, binding burns to just 
one choc, as I tear open the wrapping. 

Naturally I offer our spotty frog fiend a choc, and he greedily 
gobbles, still reluctant to admit defeat by Tracey, I stand up and 
walk down the carriage offering choccies to all the strange tube folk 
who spied on our debate. Bizarrely very few accepted, some looked at 
me like I was some kind of tube looper, others blankly refused and 
waved me away. 

Its not as if I even could have had a chance to poison the 
chocolates, they saw me unwrap them and devour some myself, so even 
when strangers offer kindness on public transport it is frowned upon. 
Thankfully, one couple accepted an orange truffle and hazelnut swirl 
each, and my trip wasn’t redundant, Tracey managed to gob a few 
handfuls too.

So there you have it, not quite tube love, but a slight conquering of 
commutercamelism. In terms of tube love, I never can return those 
alluring stares from strangers, I just shy away, and spend the rest 
of the journey admiring their reflections in the window to avoid eye 
contact.

On the crazy commuter front, i also heard a fantastic new word last 
weekend, it describes those annoying people (especially on Oxford 
Street) who get in your way on the path/sidewalk walking in random 
directions while staring into space, forcing you to gutter step 
some.The word is 'Meanderthol' and it is my gift to you all.

A Bowlieless Jay

http://members.tripod.com/john_kerswell/star.html


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