Sinister: Can you hear us spunking on your stereo?

[Pete Ramsdale]

Or at least that's what *I* thought it said.

Erm, I don't think anybody's answered the "Who is Sid James" question
that came up recently. Well, for all you non-UK people out there, he
was a mainstay of the British '60s/70's "Carry On" films, which,
incidentally, were also the pieces of cinematic genius that made
Barbara Windsor's tits a national institution. He also had the worlds
dirtiest laugh. And he got mentioned in a mail that I sent to the list
a couple of days ago but didn't seem to get there. It's included
below.

Have fun,

p.

                   ---------||----------

I went on the piss last night. I've now got a hangover the size of
Vanessa Feltz's arse, and I'm trying to avoid work. The upshot is that
I thought posting would be a good way of doing it. Lucky old you. But
there again if Bruce Springsteen ever decided to do an album called
Born to Borepeopleshitless, I'd be on the front cover.

I'll get on with it then.

Love's a funny old game, innit? Just when you think you've got it
sussed, and you're feeling like you're on cloud seven (the elevator
between there and nine doesn't work, and the bloody council still
haven't done anything about it), more often than not your other half
decides to pick that time to give you a sharp kick in the emotional
gonads and you find yourself deposited sharply back in Singlesland.
Which, I always maintain, is a very nice place to drive through, but a
crap place to stay. But if rejection and loss and all those other
f$%*ing aggravating emotions didn't exist, we wouldn't have half of
Belle and Sebastian's output to listen to. So maybe it's not *all*
bad.

Believe it or not, sex ed at my school was part of the R.E.
curriculum. God only knows why, but there you go. If I remember
rightly, it consisted of the standard "Family playing frisbee on a
beach whilst naked" video, followed by a brief, sterile description of
the old in-out in-out, delivered by some grey-haired teaching sort
that looked for all the world like he'd never done it in his life.
I've yet to work out what frisbee has to do with it all.  You can
probably use one for masturbation. But only if you've got a bloody
good aim. Which brings me quite nicely onto the next paragraph.

I'm bloody glad that the topic of wanking has lately reared it's head
(so to speak). Especially as applied to females. For ages I have been
innately suspicious about all those articles I've read in women's
magazines that have been lying about in doctor's surgeries (honest)
which perennially claim that most woment don't masturbate.
Particularly bad for this type of fallacy (and yes, that is my entry
for this year's Eurovision Pun Contest) seems to be Cosmopolitan,
which regularly seems to make huge over-assumptions about the number
of women who never flick their beans. I mean, it's free, it's jolly
good fun, what, and there's no damage done that can't be rectified by
swift use of andrex. Why *anyone* would even consider not doing it on
a regular basis is beyond me. My ex-girlfriend regularly claimed that
it's better than sex. Which isn't all that surprising, considering
that it was me she was having sex with at the time.

Finally, I've got to say, and this is where the seemingly
unrelated-to-anything title came from, that Jeffrey Burke's .signature
has to be the best one I've seen in ages, not only due to the fact
that it was said by Ziggy Pop ("It's Iggy Pop. And he isn't dead,
cause Tommy went to see him when he toured last year"), but also cause
of it being sampled by Mogwai on Punk Rock/Pete Waterman/ANTICHRIST.
(or, well, "Punk Rock" at least.)
Tops.

Carry on Wanking*,

lol p xx.


*Came out in the late 1970's and starred Kenneth Williams, Bernard
Bresslaw, Hattie Jaques, Sidney James, Barbara Windsor and Charles
Hawtrey.
-- 

 -----------------------------*||*--------------------------------

 "Reality never seems to work out quite the way you want it to..."

 Pete Ramsdale - Unix Systems Administration, Warburg Dillon Read
 Phone: 0171 568 3836

 -----------------------------*||*--------------------------------

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