Sinister: I'm going to marry Claudio Reyna. He's dead cute, in a chipmunky sort of way...

[Alasdair Cook MS1996]

I am stupid and forgot about Hefner on John Peel last night as well.
Well, I remembered at 9 o'clock and had forgotten by 10. So if any kind
soul can give me a copy please mail me and I'll be in your debt.
Although I could just get out of debt by sending you a tape as well, I
suppose.

I'm glad Laura's alive, even if no-one else is. But the big question is,
how are John Stockton and Karl Malone? These things have to be put into
perspective.

Anyway...

Believe the hype! One of my favourite hobbies is glassing tourists. I
also thoroughly enjoy bench-pressing American women, shot-putting
Italian babies and playing football with Japanese cats. However I draw
the line at Belgian grandma hunting. It's just cruel, and I don't care
what anyone says about the increasing numbers becoming a pest.

That naughty "They call me the" Warrander said, filthily:

> I like it when women
> make their breasts dance.

I saw a girl in the Vengaboys or something who seemed to be able to make
her breasts move independently of the rest of her body, which I found
extremely impressive. Is this a proper skill, like wiggling your ears,
or is it something all women can do? These are important issues which
must be addressed. Or undressed, arf!

Which leads me digustingly on to Erica's tale of the horrible Austrian
bikini-eating dog. I imagine this is rather like in Carry On Camping
when Barbara Windsor is doing her excercises, but I may be wrong. And
stretch! And STRETCH! Somebody slap me. No, not there, the face, the
FACE!

The only Star you can't eclipse shrieked:

> You know those advertising executives who make all the shit adverts?
> Have you ever thought how good it would be if, say, instead of going to
> work and creating a crappy advert that causes me to shriek with
> annoyance whenever it comes on (for it is pap-reeeeka, not *pap*-rika
> flavour anyway), it would be better if they just stayed at home and had
> a nice wank or something? Or a cup of tea. 

Yes, they could stay at home saying things like "Wow, I didn't know I
liked a nice wank" or "Ambassador, with this wank you are really
spoiling me". 

bj, who used to be in M*A*S*H, said:

> It's always annoyed me that he gave him 
> the ones - or was it only one? - on which he wrote 'How Soon Is Now'

I am alone in thinking that this wasn't actually a great song and the
Smiths wrote literally lots of better ones? Just wondering.

And on the same topic the savage Mr Darren wrote:

> Anyway if he does join Oasis maybe he could organise a
> revolt 

No, I think Oasis are quite revolting enough as they are. Especially
that monkey they employ as a lead singer. I mean at least the Roses
shaved theirs.

Martin refreshing fruit drink typed the following philosophical words:

>  Did anyone see those BBC2 programmes on
> Neitzsche and J-P Sartré? Weren't they fabulous?

Yes, I did, and they were excellent. I would have liked to study
philosophy but unfortunately it's completely useless, just ask Ailsa
Ross. On second thoughts, don't bother, just take it from me.

I sincerely hope every London type who goes to Tigermilking tonight has
a wonderful time, and finds meaning in an ultimately meaningless
existence. Go along and be enslaved by Casarotto and his Wheels of Eel!
He gets all these jellied eels, you see, and....never mind. See Erica's
bikini, and a full size cardboard cut-out of the dog that ate it! Hear
Vince talk about fridges! "well, I don't care what you say, I
think the Electrolux 572/b shits on everything else from the Sears
tower". Pick out Jim's authentic purple trousers from a line up
including mauve and maroon ones and win your own weight in used condoms!
*
Just go. 

Which is exactly what you are all screaming for me to do so I.....will.

Love and stuff you couldn't possibly imagine,
Alasdair xx (who is completely incoherent and irrelevant)

* Not all of these things are true. But most are.
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