Sinister: the damage is done (overly sappy!! delete with vigor!)

[Christa Chaffinch]

i don't know what has been wrong with my brain lately.  its playing tricks.  
my own mind is playing mind games with me.  life could be better,
it could be worse.  i may be going on a wild adventure in the next couple 
of months.  i think i am going to go to Fiji... for 2-3 weeks... to build houses for
single mothers with the Global Village program.  i need the challenge, i need
to feel like i'm doing something to help people besides myself.  but when i come 
back, i will have no $$ and no job. its a toss-up.

there is this guy that i used to like so much.  more than i should have.  he would
do this emotional power-wielding thing, run linguistic circles around me.  i
know that he didn't like me, at least not *that* way.  and the truth of the matter 
is, the more i got to know him, the less i liked.  but i feel guilt about that.  i feel
like i should have been rendered speechless and jello-legged by his wit and
sophistication.  and the amounts of money he would spend on me.  but in the end, 
i wasn't.

when i first met him i thought he was nice enough, cool to talk to, hip-style, and
seemed genuinely interested in what i had to say.  but as much as he would 
throw the word "friendship" around, we never got there.  he would never talk, 
disclose, reciprocate...just listen.  it started to scare me.  i don't know why
he didn't trust me.  then the bizarre comments started, things i would think about
for days afterward, trying to decipher.  i got bad vibes, i thought about him too
much!  i think we realized that we didn't actually LIKE each other around the
same time, and now.. well.  the last time i saw him his behavior left a lot to be
desired.  it makes me so SAD!!  i just want to cry, i have no idea why.  i used
to want to just take his hand.  but he was so...cold.  
i'm sure it seems silly to everyone, including you.  but at one point i liked him
SO much, and then... its not even worth the time and energy i put into thinking
about it, or writing this.  it just makes me feel so... sad.

i guess its good in a way, that i met him and all.  it made me realize what i really
want, and what i will do or put up with for other people...and it ain't much.  call
me a bitch!  see if i care!!  like Archel, i'm embracing my inner bitch.  she has
better judgement than i do.  ;)  this is called closure, or so i've heard.

for anyone who's gotten this far... go out and play!! its nice outside!

spending all the rent on my decline,
christa

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