Sinister: Life is a mystery, we all must stand with a minister; I here you call my name and it feels like sinister (how to win friends and influence people).

[Alasdair Cook MS1996]

Ever get the feeling you're being talked about? 

First of all, *SOMEONE* said:

> If you go to Glasgow, don't go near that Alasdair Cooke bloke, because
>
> he'll have skinned you alive within seconds of meeting you. If you
> must
> talk to him, make sure you're not wearing a wristwatch and that your
> money is safely under lock and key.

If any of you are travelling to London from not London then I'd strongly
advise that you pay a visit to the superb all-round footballer,
gentleman, scholar and poet who goes by the name of Trousers. However,
be careful, as lurking in the corner you may find a most disgusting
creature; a drunken, hideous man, dossing about on his steak and kidney
pie arse and shouting obscenities at any passers by, while telling
anyone who will listen about the time he once met Amelia Fletcher in
1987. You have been warned. Don't blame me if you come out of there
liking reggae. 

Someone much nicer said:

> My mum was looking through my Bowlie pictures. Alasdair, she thinks
> you're "nice looking".

My mum tells me I'm good looking, but I don't believe her as mums have
to say that. Actually she says her friends say that as well, so maybe
it's just women over 40 who fancy me. Ho hum.

Another lovely person said:

> More on votes:Alisdair not only has conquered Mrs
> Clarke's heart,and I am trying to be persuaded I should vote for such a
> great bloke and footballer.I have never voted for anyone, but I should
> exert the right and duty of all Sinister citizens, shouldn't I ? You can
> start campaigning!

Ignore the above comments. Vote for Arantxa, she is a pretty and witty
kitty whereas I am merely shitty. Actually, have you SEEN the new
pictures of Mark Casarotto, Vicky Parkinson and Erica MaCarthur on
Sinister? These people are just too gorgeous to be sharing a chalet
with, I think I'll have to bail. All I have is horns. 

The original T.I.P wrote the following libel:

> when my money got pinched down in London, Ally
> offered to pay for my All Tomorrow's Parties ticket for me.  Perhaps
> that's cos it's actually really my money he's paying for it with.

Bah, rumbled. And I would have got away with it if it hadn't been for
you pesky etc etc. Way to give me a reputation guys. Thanks.

And then she also said:
> I want to nick Lesley Jo's email address, as I feel trollopinpaisley has
> a certain ring to it.  Though I'm not a trollop at all.  Despite what
> Alasdair is probably going to reply to this (I heard it all on the phone
last night).  It's not true, whatever he says.  Unless it's nice, in
which case it probably still isn't true, but you can believe it if you
want.

Aah, what low regard some listees have for others. Stooping, moi?
Actually trollopinpaisley does have a certain ring to it. It comes from
the little bell it has on the end of it's hat, much like Noddy. Ding a
ling!

Following on from Robin's excellent idea for a sitcom (Robin, I think
the main characters should be called Mr and Mrs Stupid Seventies Fad), I
shall venture one of my own. It's called Nobby's Tiles, and stars myopic
toothless ex-footballer Nobby Stiles, who has crazy adventures every
week with Martin Peters and George Cohen, mainly revolving around the
resemblance of Nobby to both Hans Moleman from the Simpsons and Mr
Magoo. To keep the action going, they are continually visited by the
ghosts of Sir Alf Ramsey and Bobby Moore, who chip in with their
hilarious catch phrases "the Germans are more tired than you are" and "I
never nicked nuffink". The title comes from the fact that Nobby is
perpetually trying to put up some tiles in his bathroom, but they keep
falling down. The tiles of course are representative of his love life,
which never quite works out, but as the series will be shown on ITV none
of the viewers will be intelligent enough to realise this.

Have I written enough yet? Probably. I'm far too boring for my own good,
you know.
As they say in Russia, Leningrad. Have I got that right?

Alasdair xx
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