Sinister: He's the hairiest man in all the land

[Robin Stout]

Hello folks

    I haven't posted for ages, I know. It's mostly because things have been
a bit boring around here and it's crap when people post about all the boring
things they've been up to so I didn't. Anyway, seeing as I haven't got
anything real to say I thought I'd make something up.

The Day I Sprouted Antlers

One day I woke up and my head felt heavy. Too much pop, I thought. I took a
few deep breaths and hoisted myself valiantly from the bed. I staggered
rather hopelessly around the room as I put on my socks and shoes, then took
them off again as I remembered I'd forgotten my trousers. After a struggle
and a lot of swearing, and cursing of alcohol I finally fastened the last
button, straightened my cuffs, then sat on the bed and tried to remember the
night before. It was more difficult than I thought it would be. I'd had a
somewhat restless night and all that I could think of was some crazy dream
I'd had where I was being chased by Father Christmas.
    He shouted "Ho ho ho, you bastard! Jump into my sleigh!".
"No!" I shouted back.
His reindeer came steaming towards me and I turned and began to run.
"Jump into my sleigh!" yelled Santa. "Or you'll get no presents this year!"
"No!", I cried as I ran, "You're not real!"
"Ho ho ho" he cried, and his reindeer turned into a pack of dogs.
"It's the middle of August" I cried. "Go back to Lapland!"
The sleigh loomed closer and the sound of sleighbells became unbearable.
"Ho ho ho! Ho ho ho ho! HO HO HO HO!"
    Even thinking about it makes me sweat. What had I been doing last night,
I thought. Then I remembered. I'd been watching TV. That's all. I'd phoned
some friends to see if they were going out and they were all working, or
working tomorrow, or had had a hard day at work, so I fell into the sofa and
watched the telly, then went to bed. So why was I feeling so strange? Why
was my head feeling so heavy? I got up from the bed and walked over to the
mirror. My mouth fell open in horror. *I had sprouted antlers!*


    I was going to write a story called The Day I Woke Up And I Was Two And
A Half Inches Taller, but I don't suppose it would have been that
interesting.
    Someone who I work with in Sainsburys (this story is real by the way)
mentioned that he is on the Garth Brooks mailing list. We had a chat about
how cool mailing lists were. He seemed a bit embarassed to mention it,
though. I don't know if this was the embarassment of saying he was on a
mailing list or of saying he was a fan of Garth Brooks. Or maybe he just had
wind.
    I've decided that I'd like to go to All Tomorrow's Parties after all. If
anyone has a ticket left, could they let me know? I suppose it's my own
fault if no-one has. I've never been very good at making decisions.
    Someone mentioned Liam Gallagher's new tramp style haircut and a thought
occured to me. If Belle and Sebastian don't look out their next album could
be released at the same time as Oasis'. Actually I hope it is, cos it's
bound to be better, and there could be a sort of millenium showdown between
Struan and the forces of good on one side and Liam and the forces of hair on
the other.


    bye for now

                    Robin xxx


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