Sinister: Virus warning. Well. not so much a warning as a threat

[Richard Connell]

VIRUS ALERT

If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it immediately.

Do not open it.  

Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also
delete
anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.

It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.

It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR
and
uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play.

It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all your
ice
cream melts and your milk curdles.

It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-law's
number.

This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.   It will drink
all your
beer.

It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting
company.

Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz
(be
honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.

It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all
while
dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their
hotel
rendezvous to your Visa card.

It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that
is only
fun until someone loses an eye.

It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.

It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to
passive
tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change
the
interpretations of key sentences.

If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it
will leave
the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously
close to a
full bath tub.

It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows,
but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.

It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to
smell
like dill pickles.

It is insidious and subtle.  It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.
 It is
also a rather interesting shade of mauve.  These are just a few signs
of
infection.


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