Sinister: Took the words right out of my mouth

[Richard Connell]

2 mails in one day! Oops, sorry, still its not too bad cos it makes up
for the 350-odd days i dont post. I recieved this and thought you all
might appreciate it. I know i did.

This is an actual essay written by a college applicant. The author,
Hugh
Gallagher, now attends NYU.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION:
ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS
YOU
HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I
have
been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them
more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs
for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time
efficiently.

Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.  I woo women with
my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up
severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute
Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in
love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly
defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious
army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the
subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large
suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On
Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of
charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening
wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan
mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes.
Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force
demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me
fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly
accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield
in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that
evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the
supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I
sleep once a week; when I do sleep,I sleep in a chair. While on
vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of
terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not
apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On
weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.
Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it
down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli
and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights
in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees
at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart
surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.


Dont you just wish you could have written an essay like that at
college?

And now to end on the customary questions. Why do soul singers all
seem to die tragically? Otis Redding, Marvine Gaye, Curtis Mayfield
(nearly), Michael Bolton (well, we can hope).

Who DID put the bop in the bop-shoo-wop-shoo-wop?

Did you know that the Shirehorses sold more albums than Pulp's This Is
Hardcore? (not a question per se. apparently mark and lard were gutted
about it too, felt really embarassed and guilty)

Also i was talking to someone the other day who said that B&S were
'christian rock'!! I know there is religious content in the songs but
a bit harsh i feel. I've always thought those songs we're more about
catholic guilt and were mocking catholicism in general. Am i wrong?

All these questions need answers (well the last one anyway)

Cheers,
Rich

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